Anyone willing to critique my Personal Statement? Forum

[DeterminedToOvercome]

Sorry for the repost!

[B90]

Only because I like your screen name, I will edit it tomorrow. It is, however, quite long. Are you applying to Berkeley?

[DeterminedToOvercome]

I am long winded so to speak. I do plan on reducing its length especially after much editing.

[B90]

As promised, I will give your PS an edit. I noticed that you started a duplicate thread. I believe that is against tls rules. I would ask the mods to lock delete/one.
I would have gotten to your PS sooner, but I saw your second thread and my post wasn't in it. I didn't realize you were the same person I agreed to help yesterday.
One thing that I will mention: there are words or phrases in each paragraph that are redundant. Many sentences could be combined. There is also a fair amount of awkward wording.
That said, you have started the most difficult part; you managed to get something down on the page.
I will get my edits to you as soon as I can tomorrow.

[DeterminedToOvercome]

I decided to start fresh because it just didn't flow well enough when I was writing it. I am willing to send you my new updated PS via pm.

I feel more confident about what I wanted to say and how to get my message across to the reader.