Looking for feedback - Thanks Forum

[Anonymous User]

“So tell me Mr. ***********, why should I give you the chance to work with CUTCO?” The heat was overbearing and the office was silent, save for an oscillating fan that simply blew more hot air at you. Three unbearable seconds passed as I began to construct a response to what seemed like the quintessential question of my summer break. I had truly reached a new phase of desperation in my job search; I was actually nervous about getting the chance to be a knife salesman for a summer. Yet in some bizarre way I can say the result of my answer had a profound impact on my professional life for the next four years. And yes, I got the job that summer.
After that first summer laden with uncomfortable cold-calls, awkward chopping demonstrations, and the occasional cut finger, I was promoted to Branch Manager. Consequently, the next year I was to move out of the comfort of my hometown, and destined to conquer the petite rural town of *********. From the start I expected to work long hours, face numerous obstacles, and even feel overwhelmed. But, I did not anticipate encountering a national problem as fundamentally wrong as the Achievement Gap.
“Alright, can anyone tell me how we calculate sales tax?” After my second week of running training this became a regular question I would ask my new representatives. After my third week I would be excited if ten percent could answer yes. The individuals I worked with were by no means unintelligent, but rather uneducated. Most of these people were around twenty years old, and had received finished high school. However, I consistently found that these individuals lacked both basic math and literacy skills. At first I was shocked, then annoyed, and eventually angered. Angered not by the difficulties this added to my workload, but angered by the injustice of their predicament.
Since childhood I had always been taught that I lived in a country that gave all people an equal opportunity to succeed in life. Achieving the “American Dream” was supposedly available to anyone who pursued it. Yet in a matter of three months, the falseness of this fundamental American conception was completely turned on its head. The majority of the people I worked with were never going to get the opportunity to pursue this “American Dream”. Their misfortune was the consequence of an intolerable educational inequity.
Throughout all of my ideological development, I have predominantly revered the principle of fairness. This principle alone drove me to join Teach For America. After witnessing the discrepancy between upper and lower class education, I knew that I had to take some action to mitigate this national dilemma. As I approach the midway point of my final year in Teach For America, I also come to a vital crossroads in my professional life. Although I have chosen to end my educational tenure, my resolve to combat socioeconomic inconsistencies continues to motivate my future aspirations.
I have always been drawn to the legal world because of its foundational principles of justice and equality. In the legal realm all people, regardless of income, are treated as equals. Yet for many disadvantaged people, just obtaining an attorney can be an overwhelming task. As our nation attempts to resolve the Achievement Gap, it must simultaneously mitigate the widening Justice Gap in our legal system. I yearn for the chance to continue to serve the public community and give a voice to those who otherwise might not have one.
Three years ago I had no idea that the answer I gave a CUTCO manager would have such a domino effect on my life, putting me where I am today. As I write this statement, I find myself once again being asked why I should be given the opportunity to work with a specific institution. This time, I do expect that my answer to this question will have profound impact on my career and ideological development.

[Anonymous User]

Would really appreciate some feedback. If you take a look at it feel free to tell me what you think

[bluepenguin]

Well first I'd say read this:
http://blogs.law.yale.edu/blogs/admissi ... essay.aspx

Then there are several issues with your transitions, and your use of 'questions' in the introduction and conclusion that I could get into if you want to work from this skeleton.

What exactly do you want to accomplish with a law degree? Work legal aid? (I'm just asking, not necessarily say the PS has to answer).

[Anonymous User]

Checked out the link, thanks for that. So I'm assuming you think I should cut the part about TFA.

Yea, any extra feedback is welcome.

In regards to your question about a law degree, I do want to work in legal aid (at least for the first part of my legal career)