yale 250 critique? Forum

[Anonymous User]

thanks everyone!

[Anonymous User]

anyone? bueller? bueller? bueller?

[Cicero76]

Rewrite every contraction to avoid contractions. They are bad form in professional writing.

[anela00]

I really like it.

[nygrrrl]

Take this with a grain of salt, as I didn't write a 250...
I like the tone/something about the story but I don't like the first two graphs at all.
I think I would open with something like, "My grandfather loved to play Texas Hold 'Em." Then I'd put in the second line of your first graph, then go straight to the third graph. Then a graph about how he seemed to be guided by feelings (rewrite what's now graph two - not sure what you are trying to say there), then keep the final graph as is. (I love your ending, btw.)
Does that make sense? (Again, I'm no expert - just my humble opinion.)
Best of luck!

[CanadianWolf]

The contradiction between the ending & the second paragraph's assertion that this was the same way he ran the farm affects the credibility & theme of your piece, in my opinion.

[nygrrrl]

The contradiction between the ending & the second paragraph's assertion that this was the same way he ran the farm affects the credibility & theme of your piece, in my opinion.

Yeah - I think that's what was bothering me about the second graph. Good point.

[Anonymous User]

yeah, I've been looking at that, trying to marry the two. In a longer piece, I think I could add the necessary connective tissue, but the space restriction may necessitate leaving it on the cutting room floor.

The execution obviously needs work, but is the topic 250 worthy?

[CanadianWolf]

Any topic is "250 worthy" if done well. As written, your Yale 250 offers charm at the expense of cohesive insight. Seems as though you're trying to force charming observations into your writing without supporting--contradicting, actually--your theme.