PS, nearing final draft (I hope) - please check! Forum

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[Mr. Elshal]

3 points (numbers not corresponding to your questions):

1) I think you should make the whole PS more action-oriented. The vast majority of it is your observations, with only a very small portion of the PS being dedicated to what you did about it. You have a great story but only 4 sentences deal with your response to the social injustice you encountered, and those sentences are pretty vague. I believe your best bet would be to cut your observations down to a paragraph (or two short ones) and then use all that free space to elaborate on what I can only imagine was an impassioned struggle to bring this issue to light and start a process of social change in a foreign country where you hardly speak the language. By glossing over those details, you are selling yourself short.

2) In the first paragraph, second sentence, you say "he was moved to a another hospital's neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) due to complications unit while my fiancée recovered for a week in the maternity clinic". I assume the second instance of "unit" is a mistake, so I figured I would point it out, but I apologize if that was supposed to be there.

3) I don't see a problem with the frequency of your son's name. Every time you use it, it is justified. In addition, it lends the reader a more personal connection to the story. I feel the injustice more because I now know your son by name. That creates a connection that I think is valuable.

Good luck!

[defdef]

thanks for the feedback and catching the mistake. i have to admit, that my experience with the group is pretty mundane which is why it is vague - we go to city hall to deliver letters we've all written and talk with a few officials regularly, we have meetings, and occasionally we meet with a larger regional group. do you think illustrating one of the instances where it becomes obvious the officials are going to do nothing despite our continued discussions with them, would help or hurt this piece? i wanted it to stay positive, but maybe showing my impotence might show more of a motivating factor?

[CO2016YEAH]

You tell a captivating story, display that you are a real person with real concerns, and show a tremendous maturity and willingness to get involved and take action. You also "set yourself apart" very quickly in this statement. In all honesty, this is a very strong personal statement. I think you're pretty much done.

[Mr. Elshal]

thanks for the feedback and catching the mistake. i have to admit, that my experience with the group is pretty mundane which is why it is vague - we go to city hall to deliver letters we've all written and talk with a few officials regularly, we have meetings, and occasionally we meet with a larger regional group. do you think illustrating one of the instances where it becomes obvious the officials are going to do nothing despite our continued discussions with them, would help or hurt this piece? i wanted it to stay positive, but maybe showing my impotence might show more of a motivating factor?

I'm gonna start by saying that I agree with CO2016YEAH. You really could send this is now and be fine, but my input was to make it even better. I guess it's a continuous process of improvement (because it can never really be perfect) and you should decide whether you feel comfortable taking it further, although I do think there's room for improvement.

Whatever you add, make sure it highlights your actions and your skills and abilities. This is your chance to give an intimate look at hoe you analyze and respond to the world around you. In your current PS, you mainly address how you analyze your environment, but not how you react to it. Was there a time where even the smallest progress seemed impossible and your (insert skill or characteristic here) helped you succeed? I guess in the end it comes down to telling what you did, vs showing.

[rinkrat19]

Effect change, not affect.

[defdef]

Thank you, I would not have caught that.

[CanadianWolf]

Agree with CO2016YEAH's statement above that this PS is ready to go. If I had to rate this writing in its current form, it would be somewhere between excellent & outstanding. In my opinion, this is a very effective communication. The subtle fashion in which you share a horrific event such as a father intentionally harming his own son intensifies the reader's experience. Again, you show that you know how to communicate effectively in a mature & convincing manner.

[Big Dog]

at the end of one of the hottest, most humid summers Japan has had in many years

Not sure why the temperature is relevant.....Unless the hospital did not have a/c, it just seems like needless words to me.

To make an already difficult situation worse,

What was "already" difficult at this time? Yes, you were late arriving, but so are thousands of other fathers every day around the world....

[defdef]

at the end of one of the hottest, most humid summers Japan has had in many years

Not sure why the temperature is relevant.....Unless the hospital did not have a/c, it just seems like needless words to me.

To make an already difficult situation worse,

What was "already" difficult at this time? Yes, you were late arriving, but so are thousands of other fathers every day around the world....

Yeah you make a good point about the temperature. It is left over from when my intro was two paragraphs long of descriptive "action" about my rushing off the train to get to the maternity clinic. I'll try reworking it and see how it looks. Thanks!

As for the difficult situation, as described in the first sentence, he was born a month early by an (unplanned) caesarian section.

[Big Dog]

if unplanned, then change to 'emergency' c-section. (Nowadays, many c-sections are planned.)