Draft 2- really needs a grammar makeover :) Forum

[livurlife]

Sweat filled my brow as I ran my fingers across the red seams of the baseball. I glanced in to the catcher to get the pitch sign. His hand was shaking as he went through each of them. As I watched his trembling hand show me the number one, the scene from Major League when Lou Brown said “Forget about the curve ball, Ricky. Give him the heater” flashed through my mind. I nodded and delivered a screaming fast ball that caught the outside corner of the plate. The umpire reached back as if he was starting an old push lawn mower and grunted for a strike three call. As a pitcher when I heard the grunt of the umpire and the noise coming from the stands I could finally breathe again knowing that I threw the right pitch. Preparation and hard work can get you to the big pitch but knowing what to throw is something that cannot be taught, it’s an instinct.

The challenges I have faced in my life prepared me to become the type of pitcher that makes the hard call and throws the heater when the curve ball won’t do.

Baseball was an escape from the dark life waiting for me at home. My father was an abusive alcoholic who took his anger out on my mother. I had just turned ten years old when my mother finally took a stand and removed me and my two sisters from his destructive reach forever. When she showed the amazing strength to get us away from him I did the same for her by promising to do my best to take care of her and my sisters. Although I was only ten years old I meant every word and behind my mom’s disbelief that her “little man” just said that, I think she knew I intended to keep that promise.

With no father figure to provide any income my mom struggled to support us working minimum wage jobs. I took it upon myself once I reached the right age to begin the fulfillment of my promise to my family by working any job I could find. I ended up working a number of jobs ranging from plumbing to fast food. The man I did plumbing work for was my best friend’s father and one of the most caring men I have ever met. He was a blue collar man who has worked with his hands for everything he has received in life so hard work was no stranger to him. One day on the job we were on break and I told him the story about my father and the promise I made to my mom and sisters. I wasn’t sure what I hoped to gain from sharing this information with him but his work ethic and devotion to his own family was something I knew I wanted to strive for. His advice to me was not exactly what I had expected. I pictured him giving me a speech about taking a path similar to his but he tossed me a curve ball when he told me that an education was my best chance at fulfilling my promise. Education was something that was never a topic of discussion in my house. I thought hard about what he had said to me and decided that he was right, so I put education at the top of my priorities. I made my family proud that following year by being the first of us to graduate from high school.

After a semester of struggling to attend college and support myself at the same time I was given an opportunity to play baseball again. I will never forget the day; it was July 23rd when I received a phone call from the coach of the junior college I attended the last spring. He had been given my name by my high school coach as someone who could help his pitching staff. I was given a tryout in early August and soon after he signed me on a full housing scholarship. This scholarship took a huge weight off of my shoulders and gave me the opportunity I needed to continue my education. Being part of that team did more for me than develop my pitching skills; it turned me into a confident student. I made it through junior college and once again did a first in my family by receiving a college degree. I headed on to the next level of my education without baseball but not without the qualities a lifetime of baseball had given me.

“You win as a team and you lose as a team” is a phrase that my high school coach would tell me in the bullpen before every game I threw. I believe that my commitment to true teamwork throughout my life will be a valuable quality for me as a law student and as a lawyer. I volunteered to pitch for my family when I was just ten years old, and that’s a commitment I’m keeping for life.

[livurlife]

Any critique is welcome, does not have to be just grammar.

[cynthiad]

Sweat filled my brow as I ran my fingers across the red seams of the baseball. I glanced in to the catcher to get the pitch sign. His hand was shaking as he went through each of them. As I watched his trembling hand show me the number one, the scene from Major League when Lou Brown said “Forget about the curve ball, Ricky. Give him the heater” flashed through my mind. I nodded and delivered a screaming fast ball that caught the outside corner of the plate. The umpire reached back as if he was starting an old push lawn mower and grunted for a strike three call. As a pitcher when I heard the grunt of the umpire and the noise coming from the stands I could finally breathe again knowing that I threw the right pitch. Preparation and hard work can get you to the big pitch but knowing what to throw is something that cannot be taught, it’s an instinct.

The challenges I have faced in my life prepared me to become the type of pitcher that makes the hard call and throws the heater when the curve ball won’t do.

Baseball was an escape from the dark life waiting for me at home. My father was an abusive alcoholic who took his anger out on my mother. I had just turned ten years old when my mother finally took a stand and removed me and my two sisters from his destructive reach forever. When she showed the amazing strength to get us away from him I did the same for her by promising to do my best to take care of her and my sisters. Although I was only ten years old I meant every word and behind my mom’s disbelief that her “little man” just said that, I think she knew I intended to keep that promise.

With no father figure to provide any income my mom struggled to support us working minimum wage jobs. I took it upon myself once I reached the right age to begin the fulfillment of my promise to my family by working any job I could find. I ended up working a number of jobs ranging from plumbing to fast food. The man I did plumbing work for was my best friend’s father and one of the most caring men I have ever met. He was a blue collar man who has worked with his hands for everything he has received in life so hard work was no stranger to him. One day on the job we were on break and I told him the story about my father and the promise I made to my mom and sisters. I wasn’t sure what I hoped to gain from sharing this information with him but his work ethic and devotion to his own family was something I knew I wanted to strive for. His advice to me was not exactly what I had expected. I pictured him giving me a speech about taking a path similar to his but he tossed me a curve ball when he told me that an education was my best chance at fulfilling my promise. Education was something that was never a topic of discussion in my house. I thought hard about what he had said to me and decided that he was right, so I put education at the top of my priorities. I made my family proud that following year by being the first of us to graduate from high school.

After a semester of struggling to attend college and support myself at the same time I was given an opportunity to play baseball again. I will never forget the day; it was July 23rd when I received a phone call from the coach of the junior college I attended the last spring. He had been given my name by my high school coach as someone who could help his pitching staff. I was given a tryout in early August and soon after he signed me on a full housing scholarship. This scholarship took a huge weight off of my shoulders and gave me the opportunity I needed to continue my education. Being part of that team did more for me than develop my pitching skills; it turned me into a confident student. I made it through junior college and once again did a first in my family by receiving a college degree. I headed on to the next level of my education without baseball but not without the qualities a lifetime of baseball had given me.

“You win as a team and you lose as a team” is a phrase that my high school coach would tell me in the bullpen before every game I threw. I believe that my commitment to true teamwork throughout my life will be a valuable quality for me as a law student and as a lawyer. I volunteered to pitch for my family when I was just ten years old, and that’s a commitment I’m keeping for life.

The first thing that jumps out at me is I have no idea why you want to be a lawyer. Rather than just talking about why you were inspired to pursue higher education, add something about why you decided to pursue a JD in particular.

[livurlife]

Thanks! I sent you a PM to discuss this more if you don't mind.

[dingbat]

Are you applying for anything involving baseball?
What's the point of this PS?

[CanadianWolf]

It seems that the point of this PS is to share insight into the factors influencing OP's development & drive while sharing some of OP's values. This law school personal statement enables the reader to know, understand & like you without the usual writings that adcomms read hundreds of times a week. This PS should get your application noticed & remembered, in my opinion.

[livurlife]

haha no I'm not applying for anything involving baseball. I took the advice of a number of readers on this site and drafted something that was "personal" so that the reader could picture me. Could I have gone a little overboard? Could you give me some advice on how to alleviate this problem without straying away from the baseball aspect too much?

[CanadianWolf]

Why fix something that isn't broken ? Adcomms are intelligent enough to understand & appreciate your message.

[livurlife]

It seems that the point of this PS is to share insight into the factors influencing OP's development & drive while sharing some of OP's values. This law school personal statement enables the reader to know, understand & like you without the usual writings that adcomms read hundreds of times a week. This PS should get your application noticed & remembered, in my opinion.

This is exactly what I was aiming to accomplish by using this style of writing. Do you believe that I should specifically add more about my drive to become a lawyer or do you think that the adcomms will get the point?
Thank you for your comment.

[dingbat]

haha no I'm not applying for anything involving baseball. I took the advice of a number of readers on this site and drafted something that was "personal" so that the reader could picture me. Could I have gone a little overboard? Could you give me some advice on how to alleviate this problem without straying away from the baseball aspect too much?

I think the first paragraph is A) laying it on too thick; and B) sounds like a bad writer trying too hard
The rest is probably fine

[livurlife]

haha no I'm not applying for anything involving baseball. I took the advice of a number of readers on this site and drafted something that was "personal" so that the reader could picture me. Could I have gone a little overboard? Could you give me some advice on how to alleviate this problem without straying away from the baseball aspect too much?

I think the first paragraph is A) laying it on too thick; and B) sounds like a bad writer trying too hard
The rest is probably fine

You could have left out the part about being a bad writer but nevertheless thank you for the advice.

[dingbat]

haha no I'm not applying for anything involving baseball. I took the advice of a number of readers on this site and drafted something that was "personal" so that the reader could picture me. Could I have gone a little overboard? Could you give me some advice on how to alleviate this problem without straying away from the baseball aspect too much?

I think the first paragraph is A) laying it on too thick; and B) sounds like a bad writer trying too hard
The rest is probably fine

You could have left out the part about being a bad writer but nevertheless thank you for the advice.

Sorry. I'm not in the habit of sugar coating. I also have a degree in creative writing.
What you wrote sounds like someone who is trying really hard to be a clever writer, but has had no training/feedback and isn't flooded with natural talent.