(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
3 posts • Page 1 of 1
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Last edited by fruitoftheloom on Sun Nov 11, 2012 7:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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First sentence of the third paragraph read awkwardly for me. I'm not very familiar with the liberties one is able to take with ending sentences with prepositions, but that may be your problem. I like the statement overall.
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You've (you have) got a few contractions in there which should probably be avoided, as this is a somewhat formal piece of writing. So you'll (you will, lol) want to change your "I'm"'s to "I am"'s and your "I've"'s to "I have"'s. I would also use a gender neutral term such as "person" or "individual" in the sentence "I [am] a man who enjoys finding needles in haystacks." This is not because you are not a man or to say that being a man is bad, but simply because gender is (by law) not a consideration in admissions and therefore irrelevant in this context. You also don't want to be inaccurately misinterpreted as exhibiting any inclination towards sexism or increased fitness due to your being a male, unlikely as this may be; however, this is merely a personal preference. I can't think of anything else at the moment. All in all, nice statement, though! I like the theme you've got going there.