DRAFT PLEASE SOMEONE HELP! ALL CRITIQUES WELCOMED Forum

[Anonymous User]

Thanks!!! you helped an awful lot!

[defdef]

( my full name), Cum Laude!”, the speaker announced. At that exact moment, I glanced, quickly, into the audience where the applause had ruptured, I smiled, and I began my walk across the stage.
Alright, this is okay I guess
This was one of the first, selfish moments I allowed myself to rejoice in. Not only was I on my way to becoming an official alumni of Angelo State University (ASU), I was, also, doing so with honors. Even if the phrase “Cum Laude” was going to appear on my diploma, I knew that my college experience and transcript would show a completely different story.
really? in your life that was one of your first selfish moments?
I was blessed and fortunate to enter into the dual credit courses my high school offered. Not thinking of the full scope of these classes, I performed above average. Because of this, I made above average grades. Furthermore, at the end of my senior year of high school, I had earned 30 college credit hours that accrued to a 2.8 GPA. Before I left home, I made declaration to myself and my mom that I will be successful. Although I did not know my path to success, I knew what I needed to do, and was to make better grades and gear myself for life after my undergraduate studies.
not sure how this fits with your being unselfish/selfish. feels like an out of place gpa addenda
I managed to accumulate a GPA of 3.93, only making five “B’s”. I, also, became well-known and respected for my academics, professionalism, and personality by professors, managers, my friends, and my residents. I kept these thoughts with me on the Saturday afternoon of my graduation. These were some of the moments that assured me that it was alright, for even just a brief moment, to be selfish.
it would be better to show the reader how/why you were well known or respected rather than just telling us and expecting us to trust you on it.
Growing up, I was the youngest out of 4 children in a military family. Our family consisted of my brother, R. McMeans, my sisters, R. McMeans and R. Mcmeans, my parents, Damien and Myra C. and, finally, there was me, J C. It was not until my siblings were grown and gone, that my mother came out and thanked me. The reason for the gesture still plays a great role in my actions. My mother thanked me for not being selfish. My mother explained my actions better than I had remembered them. She said I could have used the, “That’s my dad” or “this is my dad”, but I never did. Instead she told me that I was unselfish and that I allowed them to love and receive the same love as I did.
I don't understand this part. Did your siblings and you have different dads? Needs a lot of work on this but I think you could grow it into a more successful PS if you give examples/work on it.
More so now than ever before, I feel I know that there are times to be unselfish and there are times you can be selfish. My accomplishments and minor successes up to the point of my graduation and, ultimately, my graduation was a moment I felt that selfishness was fine. Sometime in life, you have to pick and choose when something is appropriate and when something is the latter and right now, I choose this moment as another mark of selfishness.
this is you thinking out loud, but i don't know what you're really saying
At this moment I want to be selfish in my efforts to obtain the best law education, the best law degree, and the best reputation in the area of law that I can get. In other words, I want the best and the best is *****. I do not see any other university in sight when it comes to preparing me for a town filled with such a high political culture other than **** University. From the, undoubtedly, esteemed aesthetics, to the (say something about the town) and into the court rooms, *** has shown me, and the nation, that it is a force to be reckoned with. Fortunately, so am I. Accepting me as a student will be a match not many can equate. For that, I am selfishly asking for your admittance because I want to be the best and, for me, you are the best.
need to drop this almost entirely in my opinion and rewrite

ok, so you got your ideas down on paper. now you have to choose what you really want to write about? do you want to give examples about how well you performed at school and why you were so well liked and respected? then do that. do you want to talk about growing up in a family and always being unselfish? do that and then bring in the selfish part at the end. right now it isn't very focused. i would advise not really working much with this version at all, but start fresh using some of these ideas if you're committed to them. good luck!