New Draft Forum

[Anonymous User]

Okay cool! I took what you said into my next draft and this is what I came up with! Please let me know what you think!
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Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be successful in one thing. I liked to experiment with different hobbies and see what was out there. When I was in 5th grade I was visiting a family friend’s house. My parents wanted to go out shopping but I still wasn’t comfortable interacting with others besides my parents. My “uncle” entices me with this glowing screen he had in the corner of the room - a computer. I sit down at the desk and stare at the screen with which he pulls up a game of solitaire. “Wow” was the first thing that sputtered out of my mouth, “what else do you have?” I was sold.

I needed to learn more about what was actually going on that I eventually persuaded my parents to cave in on buying one for our own home. Little did they know, that computer was in pieces the very next day. I took it apart and eventually put it back together. I started spending more and more time on the computer thereafter, finding ways to continue our free trials of AOL online.

As a first generation Polish child, I was not accustomed to what seemed to be the standard in the typical American home: internet, cable TV, a dishwasher. Anything I wanted to do, I needed to figure it out on my own. Not because my parents were opposed, they just didn’t understand. For example, sports and sleepovers were typically oversought by myself, I would schedule pickup times and spaghetti dinners. I was the the liaison between my parents and my outside social world. My parents jokingly claim I’m the reason they never learned to speak English, I never gave them an opportunity to do so.

By the end of the 8th grade, I started my first online business. My dad was the landlord for a substandard apartment complex in the outskirts of the city. As a forgiving man, he would take items in place of rent if the person really needed the benefit of the doubt. Eventually, my dad was running out of things to do with these items. That was when something clicked and I opened up my first eBay store. I ended up selling everything else and more, slowly moving my way into the booming market of website development. Even though I wasn’t very good at it, I still managed to create a constant flow of money. I would charge $75 logos, $200 for websites. My mom was getting nervous I was making this much money as a kid. Even in today’s standards $75 is a solid day’s work. Every time she asked me about it, I glowed with optimism, “awesome isn’t it?”

High school came and went just like every other teenage problem. Instead of taking out my problems on my friends and family, I ventured into my own world. I started skating in my free time to keep my mind off of things like the ACT and college. During this time I saw the potential in an online skating community in which skaters were able to upload and share their own videos. The website did well enough that I had Best Buy advertisements on the front page. This drive for business kept growing especially once my dad let me drive his old Subaru Forester around. Granted, it was just a small purple SUV but that small purple SUV helped build the framework for a community of like-minded car enthusiasts in the Chicagoland area. I helped foster the community by reaching out to other individuals who were interested and created a marketing task force. We would go out to local car meetings, pass out flyers and eventually cultivated a group of people with the same similar interests.

I finally got to flourish as an individual when I was accepted to the University of Illinois. Without the careful watch of my parents, I was capable of exploring my horizons few and far between, experiencing what it felt like to join a fraternity, clubs, organizations; I made sure I got a taste of everything. My sophomore year, my fraternity was in trouble. I knew something needed to be done so I created a website in order to connect to the long-lost alumni we needed to keep our house alive. I set up cold calling teams and routed everyone to the website where I received over 1,000 comments dating back to alumni from the 1930’s. I still keep in touch with many of those alumni today.

I am no computer guru by any means, if I was, I would follow the steps of a computer-scientist. Rather, I’ve learned to take advantage of the resources around me. I understand the potential of the internet and I only use it as a tool to my disposal. I stay ahead of the curve and I know this will be one of the most important skills I have further down the road in my career. As a lawyer, the possibilities are limitless. I know no matter what scenario is put in front of me, I’ll be able come up with the proper solution. With a Juris Doctorate I’ll have a set of skills that many lack or are slowly picking up on. The resources offered by [XXX] University will help me curate those skills and building upon the success I have wanted ever since I was a child.

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[fruitoftheloom]

Okay cool! I took what you said into my next draft and this is what I came up with! Please let me know what you think!
=============

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be successful in one thing. I liked to experiment with different hobbies and see what was out there. When I was in 5th grade I was visiting a family friend’s house. My parents wanted to go out shopping but I still wasn’t comfortable interacting with others besides my parents. My “uncle” entices me with this glowing screen he had in the corner of the room - a computer. I sit down at the desk and stare at the screen with which he pulls up a game of solitaire. “Wow” was the first thing that sputtered out of my mouth, “what else do you have?” I was sold.

No quotes around uncle. "uncle" makes me think you're talking about a pedophile.

I needed to learn more about what was actually going on that I eventually persuaded my parents to cave in on buying one for our own home. Little did they know, that computer was in pieces the very next day. I took it apart and eventually put it back together. I started spending more and more time on the computer thereafter, finding ways to continue our free trials of AOL online.

As a first generation Polish child, I was not accustomed to what seemed to be the standard in the typical American home: internet, cable TV, a dishwasher. Anything I wanted to do, I needed to figure it out on my own. Not because my parents were opposed, they just didn’t understand. For example, sports and sleepovers were typically oversought by myself, I would schedule pickup times and spaghetti dinners. I was the the liaison between my parents and my outside social world. My parents jokingly claim I’m the reason they never learned to speak English, I never gave them an opportunity to do so.

Reword the sentence: "Little did they know, that computer was in pieces the very next day". Do you mean "would be", or that you hid it from them?
"oversought"??? what? do you mean "sought out"? skip that sentence (imo) and just say you were the liaison / organizer of events

By the end of the 8th grade, I started my first online business. My dad was the landlord for a substandard apartment complex in the outskirts of the city. As a forgiving man, he would take items in place of rent if the person really needed the benefit of the doubt. Eventually, my dad was running out of things to do with these items. That was when something clicked and I opened up my first eBay store. I ended up selling everything else and more, slowly moving my way into the booming market of website development. Even though I wasn’t very good at it, I still managed to create a constant flow of money. I would charge $75 logos, $200 for websites. My mom was getting nervous I was making this much money as a kid. Even in today’s standards $75 is a solid day’s work. Every time she asked me about it, I glowed with optimism, “awesome isn’t it?”

Enthusiasm instead of optimism.

High school came and went just like every other teenage problem. Instead of taking out my problems on my friends and family, I ventured into my own world. I started skating in my free time to keep my mind off of things like the ACT and college. During this time I saw the potential in an online skating community in which skaters were able to upload and share their own videos. The website did well enough that I had Best Buy advertisements on the front page. This drive for business kept growing especially once my dad let me drive his old Subaru Forester around. Granted, it was just a small purple SUV but that small purple SUV helped build the framework for a community of like-minded car enthusiasts in the Chicagoland area. I helped foster the community by reaching out to other individuals who were interested and created a marketing task force. We would go out to local car meetings, pass out flyers and eventually cultivated a group of people with the same similar interests.

I hope Chicagoland is a city? If you mean Chicago, just leave it at Chicago area
Also, I'm confused about what skaters and car enthusiasts have in common

I finally got to flourish as an individual when I was accepted to the University of Illinois. Without the careful watch of my parents, I was capable of exploring my horizons few and far between, experiencing what it felt like to join a fraternity, clubs, organizations; I made sure I got a taste of everything. My sophomore year, my fraternity was in trouble. I knew something needed to be done so I created a website in order to connect to the long-lost alumni we needed to keep our house alive. I set up cold calling teams and routed everyone to the website where I received over 1,000 comments dating back to alumni from the 1930’s. I still keep in touch with many of those alumni today.

I am no computer guru by any means, if I was, I would follow the steps of a computer-scientist. Rather, I’ve learned to take advantage of the resources around me. I understand the potential of the internet and I only use it as a tool to my disposal. I stay ahead of the curve and I know this will be one of the most important skills I have further down the road in my career. As a lawyer, the possibilities are limitless. I know no matter what scenario is put in front of me, I’ll be able come up with the proper solution. With a Juris Doctorate I’ll have a set of skills that many lack or are slowly picking up on. The resources offered by [XXX] University will help me curate those skills and building upon the success I have wanted ever since I was a child.

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In the last paragraph, coming back to "I'm no computer guru" is slightly confusing to me. I would jsut skip to the part where 'i've learned to take advantage of the resources around me'. Also, the sentence "With a JD I'll have a set of skills that many lack"... errr.. not sure where you're going there & I don't like it. I would just say "I will gain a set of skills that I will combine with my natural resourcefulness to serve my clients" or something close to that.
Instead of "have wanted" - "have been building on" but fix it?

Hope this helps, overall probably a 6.5/10 statement. (I mean that in a nice way.. it's okay, maybe slightly above average (5 being average), but not great yet)

[Anonymous User]

Duly noted. So how do I turn this into an 10? Should I restructure it?

The point I'm trying to make between skaters and car enthusiasts is that I found a way to take advantage of what I was doing and turn it into something bigger.

I also wanted to add something about how I started a charity but I'm just not sure how I want to implement all of this.

Thanks!

[fruitoftheloom]

I think to make it a 10, focus solely on your online activities. I would structure something like this:
-Maybe start with an introduction about how the internet has encouraged/developed young entrepreneurs and how you decided to use resources to take advantage of that
-Created business in 8th grade
-Created skater website in high school
-Saved Frat w/ website
-Conclude: My activities on the internet, although I'm no Mark Zuckerberg, have allowed me to XXX lesson I learned / how I will apply it in law school.

If your charity work involves the internet, add it. if it doesn't, put it in your resume.

Maybe other people have better input.