Final Draft? Close? Let me know. Forum

[skri65]

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[txdude45]

pm'd you

[skri65]

Thanks for the tips. Will take more advice if necessary.

[fruitoftheloom]

Getting closer to final draft...any thoughts appreciated.
While my fascination with computers continued throughout my undergraduate years, I pursued a degree in Criminal Justice at **** University. This decision turned out for the best, as I was able to develop qualitative analytical skills that I lacked. I grew up with brothers and parents who discussed political and social issues often, with the conversation ebbing and flowing in good-spirited debate. Whether it was through writing moot court briefs, making oral arguments, or engaging in the Socratic method, studying Criminal Justice helped me cultivate organized and reasoned arguments as well. These experiences not only put into perspective my family’s spirited dinner conversations, but they also aided me as a research analyst at **** LLC during my senior year. For example, I produced well-researched analysis exploring the rapid growth of environmentally friendly patents in Europe and Asia, thus receiving high praise from superiors.

I like your statement. I think this paragraph is the only one that needs revision. I would omit the part about brothers and parents.. but I would do that mostly because otherwise it seems like you should have already developed the skills you're describing. I also don't really like the phrase "thus receiving high praise from superiors".. I can't really describe why though. I think it might be better if you explain how you used your qualitative skills in your position at the LLC?

Hope this helps!

[skri65]

Thanks for the tips so far! Any other suggestions? Is this worth sending out?

[CanadianWolf]

Do not send this out as written. You need to proofread your use of commas & to express your thoughts in a more succinct manner. But this is close to being a final draft.

P.S. "...To effect real change.", not "affect real change".

[skri65]

Thanks. You are right about the commas and expressing thoughts in more succinct manner. However, I was pretty sure it was "to affect real change." Are you sure it is "effect real change"? I believe effect is a noun.

[CanadianWolf]

Depends upon your intended message---whether it is "to bring about change" or "to impact change already brought about".

P.S. Yes, I'm sure. An exception in the usage of "effect" is "to bring about".

[NightmanCometh]

Agree with Canadian Wolf- I have seen and personally used "effect changes" many, many times. 100% correct.

[skri65]

Thanks for clearing that up. Learned something new, there.

[CanadianWolf]

I voted today. Only paper ballots were available. After filling in my choices, I was required to place my completed ballot into a machine that looked suspiciously like a paper shredder. Assuming my suspicion is correct, my attempt to effect change was affected by their paper shredder.