Need Feedback on 1st Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Anonymous User
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Need Feedback on 1st Draft

Post by Anonymous User » Sun Oct 28, 2012 3:16 pm

Down for editing.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Oct 28, 2012 10:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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SantIvo

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Re: Need Feedback on 1st Draft

Post by SantIvo » Sun Oct 28, 2012 7:39 pm

OP, IMHO, pretty much everything stylistically wrong with this PS is on display in the first paragraph -- ostentatious prose, loopy abstraction, and an absence of substance.

I'd scrap the majority of your statement and delve into the details of your post-collegiate job. Expanding on this sentence in particular ("My position had me assisting with the restructuring and rebranding of the company, acquainting me with trademarks, copyrights and contracts") would be a good starting point.

Good luck!
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bobbypin

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Re: Need Feedback on 1st Draft

Post by bobbypin » Sun Oct 28, 2012 7:48 pm

SantIvo wrote:OP, IMHO, pretty much everything stylistically wrong with this PS is on display in the first paragraph -- ostentatious prose, loopy abstraction, and an absence of substance.

I'd scrap the majority of your statement and delve into the details of your post-collegiate job. Expanding on this sentence in particular ("My position had me assisting with the restructuring and rebranding of the company, acquainting me with trademarks, copyrights and contracts") would be a good starting point.

Good luck!
I agree.
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