Need Feedback on 1st Draft Forum
-
Anonymous User
- Posts: 432111
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
Need Feedback on 1st Draft
Down for editing.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Oct 28, 2012 10:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
SantIvo
- Posts: 34
- Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:33 pm
Re: Need Feedback on 1st Draft
OP, IMHO, pretty much everything stylistically wrong with this PS is on display in the first paragraph -- ostentatious prose, loopy abstraction, and an absence of substance.
I'd scrap the majority of your statement and delve into the details of your post-collegiate job. Expanding on this sentence in particular ("My position had me assisting with the restructuring and rebranding of the company, acquainting me with trademarks, copyrights and contracts") would be a good starting point.
Good luck!
I'd scrap the majority of your statement and delve into the details of your post-collegiate job. Expanding on this sentence in particular ("My position had me assisting with the restructuring and rebranding of the company, acquainting me with trademarks, copyrights and contracts") would be a good starting point.
Good luck!
-
bobbypin
- Posts: 255
- Joined: Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:50 pm
Re: Need Feedback on 1st Draft
I agree.SantIvo wrote:OP, IMHO, pretty much everything stylistically wrong with this PS is on display in the first paragraph -- ostentatious prose, loopy abstraction, and an absence of substance.
I'd scrap the majority of your statement and delve into the details of your post-collegiate job. Expanding on this sentence in particular ("My position had me assisting with the restructuring and rebranding of the company, acquainting me with trademarks, copyrights and contracts") would be a good starting point.
Good luck!
