Anyone care for one last look before I submit this?? Forum

[Steve2207]

I have never allowed myself to believe that anything is unattainable. Struggles have certainly come and gone throughout my life, but I have remained faithful that believing in myself and overcoming life’s tragedies is the only key to success that I have. Even upon reflection of the uncomfortable moments growing up in an underprivileged neighborhood, wearing hand me down clothes, or standing in the free lunch line at school, I still cannot recall one instance in which I doubted my worth. I convinced myself early on that being poor did not make me stupid, dirty, or any less capable of accomplishing my goals. By the time I was twenty-one years old I felt fairly satisfied in life. I had managed to be the first in my family to graduate high school, and I had proudly served my country as a United States Marine. Afterward, I obtained employment with a very well respected local business, which generated excellent benefits and allowed for me to live comfortably with my wife and newborn child. It became very important for me as a new father to protect my child from the disadvantages that I experienced, and to conjunctively serve as an example of what can be accomplished through hard work and dedication.

Sadly, a new chapter of my life began at this time that presented another struggle we all must overcome eventually. Within a few short years, ten of my very close friends and family passed away in separate instances. I began to look at life differently after this traumatic string of deaths, and reexamine what I wanted out of it. I began to realize that perhaps my “good job” within the community was actually pretty mediocre, and I began to wonder what I would be remembered for when my life came to an end. Going to the same job day after day and providing for my family would certainly be commendable, but was I capable of accomplishing more? Should I dare leave the safety of a successful business that pays well in a failing economy to pursue an education? I was fearful to make such a bold decision, but my instincts kept insisting that I could accomplish more, and that I would spend the rest of my life regretting it if I didn’t pursue something better for my family and myself.


Taking a leap of faith, I gave a month’s notice with my employer and began working toward an associate degree in paralegal studies. The introductions into separate areas of the law left me both excited and curious to learn more. The same instincts that had urged me to engage in my educational aspirations were beginning to inspire me to embark on a journey to become a practicing attorney. Therefore, by the time I graduated magna cum laude with my associate’s degree I had already decided that I would pursue a Juris Doctorate. I then enrolled in a joint Homeland Security & Public Safety program at my university that excited me because it explained more about the judicial process. In addition, the program encouraged public speaking, open discussions, and debates within the classroom which have helped to improve my speaking skills, and I expect will assist me in my legal education. Above all, the program presented an opportunity for me to serve an internship under a local Judge at the [OMMITTED] Court in [OMMITTED], Indiana. This experience allowed me to witness two hundred hours of court proceedings which added to my excitement about the law, but also lead to a realization. The intuition that had gotten me this far in my educational journey was not coincidental, it was leading me to the practice of law and I knew it then more than ever.


Unfortunately, tragedy struck my life again in the fall of 2012 with the unexpected death of my mother, and I am reminded again of how short life is and how important it is for a person to pursue what it is that they are inspired to do. My journey hasn’t been easy to this point, and I expect a legal education will have its challenges as well. However, the best way I know to honor the ones I love who are gone today is to pursue my dreams, and become the success that I know I can be. Never have I doubted my worth, but now is the appropriate time to demonstrate my true value.

[rinkrat19]

It's kind of vague and tell-y, not show-y. I also see some grammatical issues. (Example: I don't think you can "remain faithful that [something]". Either 'faithful' or 'that' seems like a wrong word choice.)

Overall, I think it could use some more work.

[Steve2207]

It's kind of vague and tell-y, not show-y. I also see some grammatical issues. (Example: I don't think you can "remain faithful that [something]". Either 'faithful' or 'that' seems like a wrong word choice.)

Overall, I think it could use some more work.

Thanks! although to me remaining faithful that something is gonna happen doesn't sound awkward at all. Anyone else think this sounds funny?

[noobishned]

I think it sounds correct as is.

[Steve2207]

I think it sounds correct as is.

Glad I am not alone

[rinkrat19]

I think it sounds correct as is.

Glad I am not alone

Pretty sure you're wrong. You can remain faithful TO something. Faithful THAT something doesn't make any sense. You could "remain faithful to your belief that..."

There are more issues. It's still not ready. But if you want to be stubborn, be my guest. It's not my future.

[boredtodeath]

I think it sounds correct as is.

Glad I am not alone

Pretty sure you're wrong. You can remain faithful TO something. Faithful THAT something doesn't make any sense. You could "remain faithful to your belief that..."

There are more issues. It's still not ready. But if you want to be stubborn, be my guest. It's not my future.

This is correct. You cannot "remain faithful that...". rinkrat has it right, you should say something along the lines of, "I remained faithful to the idea that..."

[dr123]

Juris Doctor, not Doctorate

[Steve2207]

I think it sounds correct as is.

Glad I am not alone

Pretty sure you're wrong. You can remain faithful TO something. Faithful THAT something doesn't make any sense. You could "remain faithful to your belief that..."

There are more issues. It's still not ready. But if you want to be stubborn, be my guest. It's not my future.

Wasnt trying to be stubborn, just sounded well worded to me. Seriously, I appreciate anyone taking the time to read and give advice, thats why I thanked you. What are the other issues?? Its far better that I catch them now then after I send it with my apps, and AGAIN thank you for your input!

[Steve2207]

Juris Doctor, not Doctorate

If I put the word "degree" after Doctorate would it be correct then?

[rinkrat19]

I think it sounds correct as is.

Glad I am not alone

Pretty sure you're wrong. You can remain faithful TO something. Faithful THAT something doesn't make any sense. You could "remain faithful to your belief that..."

There are more issues. It's still not ready. But if you want to be stubborn, be my guest. It's not my future.

Wasnt trying to be stubborn, just sounded well worded to me. Seriously, I appreciate anyone taking the time to read and give advice, thats why I thanked you. What are the other issues?? Its far better that I catch them now then after I send it with my apps, and AGAIN thank you for your input!

Well, you don't really have any detail. You tell us a lot but don't really convince us of anything. You skip over 21+ years of what sounds like might have been an interesting life with only the most shallow sketch of what happened, in like 5 sentences. You don't have to cover your entire life in this PS, you know. Emotion and description are missing.

If I were you, the first paragraph should start with a re-worked version of the fourth sentence, scrapping the first three. Maybe "I knew from a young age that being poor did not make me stupid, dirty, or any less capable of accomplishing my goals." Then a quick 1- or 2-setence anecdote of an incident illustrating your young self's confidence in the face of criticism or opposition or whatever. Then, "By the time I was 21 (don't spell out numbers 10 or bigger), I was fairly satisfied with life."

Don't use 'conjunctively' like that. I'm not even sure that's a word; for sure it's hideously pretentious and more likely to make the reader think of pinkeye (conjunctivitis) than a father's devotion. Just say "and to set an example of what..."

Don't spell out 10. Word "passed away in separate incidences" differently, because it just sounds like you're trying too hard to sound sophisticated. Just say they passed away or died. It's not necessary to mention that they died separately ('incidents' was the word you were looking for, not 'incidences'). No sane reader is going to be confused and assume you had 10 family and friends die at once. Especially since you said "within a few short years." To emphasize the emotional horror that this must have caused, you could even do a run-down of the incidents, like "Within a few short years, I lost four close friends and six family members to suicide, car accidents, cancer and a drug overdose." (or whatever. See how powerful that could be?)

Then there's a lot of navel-gazing "I began to look at life," "I began to realize," "Should I dare," blah blah blah. Show us your emotions, don't list them off. It's tedious and unconvincing. I really don't like the last half of the second paragraph.

The paralegal paragraph is too much a job description. Cut out the Homeland Security program sentence. The last sentence of the paragraph needs a semicolon. Put more of your emotions in this paragraph, bringing in the theme you established in the beginning (never doubting your own worth). You can't just mention a theme in the first and last paragraphs; it needs to be used throughout (without laying it on too thick, of course).

The last paragraph is really cliche. Conclusions tends to be a bit trite; it's hard to avoid. And a little cheese won't kill you. But this paragraph is like twelve cliched phrases in a row.

[rinkrat19]

Juris Doctor, not Doctorate

If I put the word "degree" after Doctorate would it be correct then?

No. The degree is Juris Doctor. Latin should also be italicized (magna cum laude as well).

[Steve2207]

Now that is some good advice! I will admit though Im not likely to change the last paragraph very much despite the advice. I really feel like it accuratly concludes how I feel, even though it may sound alittle cliche. But you have made some excellent points about some other stuff, seriously its obvious that some of the things you mentioned would improve the statement alot, and really wouldnt be that hard to do! Thanks for your input.

[20130312]

Not enough space on these forums for two Harvey's.

[Steve2207]

Not enough space on these forums for two Harvey's.

LOL, I'm getting very close to changing to the Lincoln Lawyer theme, so dont worry! Was even considering Loius until the end of the second season, now he is obviously unworthy of my admiration!

[Jredelman15]

I felt there were places where structure could be better. It just felt like a meandering PS that was lacking a change of pace. All of the sentences felt the same and I got bored easily. You have a good topic and a good story to tell, yet I feel a lack of excitement when reading, aka I don't want to read on. Put some more details into it and show some enthusiasm for the topic. The bones are there you need to add some flavor.

[Steve2207]

I felt there were places where structure could be better. It just felt like a meandering PS that was lacking a change of pace. All of the sentences felt the same and I got bored easily. You have a good topic and a good story to tell, yet I feel a lack of excitement when reading, aka I don't want to read on. Put some more details into it and show some enthusiasm for the topic. The bones are there you need to add some flavor.

Thanks for reading!! I appreciate the input