PS 1 vs PS 2 Forum

[anitadonielle]

This is one of the personal statements that I want to send off and below that one is another one. I am stuck in between the two! Could people critique and say which one they like the best or if both are good just for different purposes?

PS 1
When I began my journey at xxx, I was a head strong, set in my ways type of person. I knew what I wanted, when I wanted it, and how I was going to get it. I had my triumphs and my fears and I had absolutely no intentions of facing them. I was happy with me and my whole freshmen year past quickly and confidently. However after being turned down my freshmen year to be a Peer Enabling Program (PEP) leader, I suddenly realized I need to rethink my strategy.
Therefore sophomore year, I came back to UTM with a new outlook. I was ready to get that collegiate experience everyone was talking about. I found different organizations that interested me. I found new friends and friends that were not like the regular people I would normally befriend. With these two new strategies, I became a better person yet successful person.
I joined Financial Management Association (FMA), and it helped me conquer a lot of things. I had none of my friends in this club, so I had to socialize with people that I would not normally interact with on campus. FMA was planning for its annual conference in NYC, and I was excited to go until our advisor announced we would travel by air! I had never flown before, and I was terribly afraid of heights and indeed the very thought of flying. Nevertheless, I was determined that I was going to get to see the Big Apple. In order to not look like the naïve black girl that held everyone up at the security check, I asked a friend and Google the rules of flying. Once I got all that together, I was ready to fly.
We arrived at the airport, and I had no idea what to do next. I did not know that I had to check in or anything, but I followed the senior girl in the group. If I saw her do it, I figured out that it was something I had to do. After checking in and getting searched, I was closer to getting on airplane. We were then about to board the plane, and Sarah asked, “Is there anyone who has not flown before.” I replied, “Me.” That is when reality hit me. I was actually about to board this plane. Another one of the girls from the group asked did I want to give up my window seat since it was my first time flying and I replied firmly “no”. I was determined to see the plane take off and land. My eyes became really heavy and sleepy after the attendants gave the safety speech. I figured it was my body’s way of shielding me from my fear. Instead, I fought my sleep to see that plane leave the ground.
The plane began riding down the runaway and soon we were rising into the air. I was looking out the window the whole time and to my surprise, I was very calm. Soon after, I gave in to my sleep. As we began to make landing preparations, my ears began to pop which signaled me to awaken, and I watched the plane land. As soon as we entered the airport, I called my mother and was so proud of my success.
After the trip, we returned to campus, and I had another interview to be a PEP leader. This time I felt better prepared for my interview and as if I was better prepared to be a PEP leader. My various organizations were ready to do officer elections and although I wanted to be an officer, I had always been afraid to be rejected or not elected. However something inside reminded me that if I had flown and still was alive, then I could be run, be rejected, and still live! However to my surprise, I received an email welcoming me to be a PEP leader and I won all 4 officer positions that I stood for.
Flying and joining those various groups has helped me to become a different yet better me. I am more open to different ideas and ways of doing things. My “closed box” mind has opened. I am more open to learning and enjoying different cultures. I am not afraid to take chances anymore. I have no typical marketing background, yet still I applied for an internship that such experience was wanted, but I was able to get it based on my experiences. I learned the value of leadership and helping others through mentoring my PEP students. These are some of the qualities that I believe a good law student and lawyer should possess. I am determined and able to work for what I want and studying and practicing law is what I want to do! I was already valuable asset but now I am like a trust fund that has been acquiring interest for 10 years. I have grown to something even bigger and better!

PS 2
In August, I attended my business fraternity’s, Phi Chi Theta, national conference. While there, other chapters began talking about their on-campus campaigns and community outreach activities. Honestly, I became disappointed in my chapter. I had paid the same $65 in national dues as the other students, yet I was not doing nearly half of the things that they were. I knew instantly that a change had to take place in my chapter of Beta Chi!
After the conference, I emailed our chapter advisor and told him how excited I was to be the president and make our chapter more than just the status quo. Unfortunately, I never received a reply. Originally, I was disappointed, but then I realized that I could it with my executive team. Therefore, I held an executive meeting, but only one officer attended! That was disappointing, but I told myself that if I could at least get her to see my vision, then I could have some help! I conveyed the way that I wanted to accomplish it to her, and she said that she would help. Her help, however, soon began to stop, but I was determined to improve Beta Chi.
I recruited an unlikely source, my roommate, to design informative, creative flyers. I also contacted nationals for ideas. I began to send out emails to both alumni and prospective speakers for Beta Chi as well. I scheduled a resume workshop and a vice president from First Tennessee Bank to come speak to our chapter. I got us involved in a health wellness fair, bake sale, and volunteering at a nursing home. Overall I recruited thirteen new members to join our original five member chapter. Also once the other officers saw I was actually doing things for Beta Chi, they became very helpful. Overall it took a lot of work, but it was worth it!
This type of hard work, determination, and leadership is what I plan to bring to law school and my law career. I love learning and reading about contracts and tax laws and am drawn to the issues in corporate law. Law school is the next step to help me develop better analytical skills and the ability to pay more attention to detail, and I am ready for the challenge that comes with law school. Pursuing a law degree will align with my interests in contracts, taxes and business affairs and career goals.

[canarykb]

Can I go with neither?

PS1: I get that your first time flying can be nerve-wracking, but I don't think it's PS worthy. It doesn't really show much action on your part, either. I mean, you googled the rules of flying, is that meant to impress? On a positive note, I think the writing is much better in this one, and you are using the right tone for a PS. Why not focus on being a PEP leader instead? I think that would show a lot more about your values and character.

PS2: I'm biased against frats in general, so maybe its just that, but I don't find this particularly interesting either. It was also really hard to get through with all the exclamation points. I don think exclamation points have any place in a personal statement. It makes me read the essay in my head as a super peppy over-excited sorority girl, and that's not good. This topic maybe could work with a complete rewrite with a focus on using a more formal tone to show the actions you took to improve the frat.

Sorry to be so harsh, just trying to help!

[anitadonielle]

Can I go with neither?

PS1: I get that your first time flying can be nerve-wracking, but I don't think it's PS worthy. It doesn't really show much action on your part, either. I mean, you googled the rules of flying, is that meant to impress? On a positive note, I think the writing is much better in this one, and you are using the right tone for a PS. Why not focus on being a PEP leader instead? I think that would show a lot more about your values and character.

PS2: I'm biased against frats in general, so maybe its just that, but I don't find this particularly interesting either. It was also really hard to get through with all the exclamation points. I don think exclamation points have any place in a personal statement. It makes me read the essay in my head as a super peppy over-excited sorority girl, and that's not good. This topic maybe could work with a complete rewrite with a focus on using a more formal tone to show the actions you took to improve the frat.

Sorry to be so harsh, just trying to help!

I didn't realize someone had answered this post. Maybe because I never received an email saying so. Anyway thank you for your opinion. I received almost the same advice about the first essay from other people. I decided to go with the second one, and I did do some revisions with the writing style. Since it was not a social organization but rather professional, I thought it would be a good idea to talk about it. I did improve the organization so I thought that would should show drive and determination.