Rough Draft: Be Brutal Forum

[Steve2207]

Ok heres my rough draft, Ithink im telling my story well but its lacking creativity to me. Any advice?

I have never allowed myself to believe that anything is unattainable. Struggles have certainly came and gone throughout my life, but I have remained faithful that believing in myself and overcoming life’s tragedies is the only key to success that I have. Even upon reflection of the awkward moments I had growing up in a poor neighborhood, wearing clothes that weren’t “in style”, or riding the school bus all four years of high school because I had no other means of transportation, I still cannot recall one instance in which I doubted my own worth. I convinced myself early on in life that being poor didn’t make me stupid, or dirty, or any less capable of becoming a success. By the time I was twenty one years old I felt fairly accomplished in life. I had managed to be the first in my family to graduate high school, and I had successfully served my country as a United States Marine. Afterward, I obtained employment with a very successful local business which paid generously enough for me to live comfortably with my wife and newborn child. It became very important for me as a new father to protect my child from the disadvantages that I experienced, yet at the same time provide him with an example that hard work and determination will lead a person to success. Sadly, a new chapter of my life began at this time which presented another struggle we all must overcome eventually. Within a three year period, a total of ten of my very close friends and family passed away in separate instances. I began to look at life differently after this traumatic string of deaths, and what I wanted for myself and my family. I began to realize that perhaps my “good job” within the community was actually pretty mediocre, and I began to wonder what I would be remembered for when my own life came to an end. Going to the same job day after day and providing for my family would certainly be commendable, but was I capable of more? Should I dare leave the safety of a successful business that pays well in a failing economy to pursue an education? I was very fearful to make such a bold decision, but my instinct kept insisting that I could accomplish more, and that I would spend the rest of my life regretting it if I didn’t began to pursue something better for myself and my family.
Taking a leap of faith, I gave a months’ notice with my employer and began working toward an associate degree in Paralegal Studies. The introductions into the separate areas of the law left me both excited and curious to learn more. The same instinct inside me that insisted I pursue an education was beginning to suggest that I embark on a journey to become a practicing attorney! By the time I graduated magna cum laude with my associate’s degree I was already overwhelmed with the decision to pursue a Juris Doctorate degree. I had even enrolled in a joint Homeland Security & Public Safety program at my university in which I could obtain the required baccalaureate degree to gain admission into law school. I quickly realized that the Homeland Security & Public Safety program was not only a wise choice for me because it offered a certain type of degree, but the area also explained more about the judicial process which excited me. In addition, the program encouraged public speaking and open discussion or debate within the classroom which have helped to improve my speaking skills, and I expect will assist me in my legal education. Above all, the program presented an opportunity for me to serve an internship under a local Judge at the [OMMITTED] Court in [OMMITTED], Indiana. This experience allowed me to witness two hundred hours of court proceedings which added to my excitement about the law, but also lead to a realization. My internal intuition that had gotten me this far in my education was leading me to this, and I knew it then more than ever.
Sadly, I was recently struck with another tragedy in the fall of 2012 with the unexpected death of my mother, and I am reminded again of how short life is and how important it is for a person to pursue what is important to them. My journey hasn’t been an easy one up until this point, and I expect a legal education will have its challenges as well. However, the best way I know how to honor the ones I love that are gone today is to pursue my dreams, and become the success that I know I can be. I have never doubted my own worth, but now is my time to prove my true value to myself and the ones I love.

[Steve2207]

Anyone??? I would be happy to return the favor and proofread someone elses if they read mine.

[Balthy]

If you PM me, I'll get back to you later.

[Steve2207]

If you PM me, I'll get back to you later.

Thanks, PM sent! if you have one you want me to read send it my way aswell.

[Steve2207]

anyone else care to help me out here?

[airbud]

I feel like the first several sentences are unnecessary fluff. Your essay would be greatly improved if you started somewhere around "By the time I was twenty-one years old, I felt fairly accomplished...". Then, try to SHOW the intangible fluff (nothing is unattainable, never doubt self-worth, overcoming tragedy = key to success, etc) through your story.

I also notice that you were a Marine. This is a factor that is almost as attractive to AdComms as URM status. Plus, it makes for interesting, compelling stories that can really separate you from the pack.

Perhaps you don't want to make the Marine Corps the focus/backdrop of your PS. That's fine. But something tells me that a story about an experience in the Marines will be wayyyy more unique than a story about overcoming tragedy, pursuing higher education, etc (not that there's anything small about these things!)

Hope this helps. I'm happy to offer more insight if you need it.

[jgconte]

Steve,
I am going to PM you my personal statement. I will help you with yours when I get home tonight, you can proofread mine.

[Steve2207]

I feel like the first several sentences are unnecessary fluff. Your essay would be greatly improved if you started somewhere around "By the time I was twenty-one years old, I felt fairly accomplished...". Then, try to SHOW the intangible fluff (nothing is unattainable, never doubt self-worth, overcoming tragedy = key to success, etc) through your story.

I also notice that you were a Marine. This is a factor that is almost as attractive to AdComms as URM status. Plus, it makes for interesting, compelling stories that can really separate you from the pack.

Perhaps you don't want to make the Marine Corps the focus/backdrop of your PS. That's fine. But something tells me that a story about an experience in the Marines will be wayyyy more unique than a story about overcoming tragedy, pursuing higher education, etc (not that there's anything small about these things!)

Hope this helps. I'm happy to offer more insight if you need it.

THANKS, Its nice to get some feedback. I really dont want to talk about the Marine Corps alot though (I didnt really like it all that much), I just did my time and got out. That said Im trying to think of a way I can take your advice and highlight it alittle more than what I have already. What would you rate it right now on a scale from 1 to 10??

[Steve2207]

Steve,
I am going to PM you my personal statement. I will help you with yours when I get home tonight, you can proofread mine.

sounds good!

[Steve2207]

Steve,
I am going to PM you my personal statement. I will help you with yours when I get home tonight, you can proofread mine.

sounds good!

Never got your PM, could you resend it?