Personal Statement Draft #1 Forum

[Anonymous User]

Forewarning: This is my 100% first draft, I'm too afraid to even read it over too much and invest too much time into it if it just straight sucks. I know I have stuff to work out but wanted to get an initial reaction on it.

XY Town, California is a small suburb nestled between X and XYZ. This little town is one filled with middle and upper class families who work hard to give their children the chance to attend high-caliber colleges. Calling XY Town a bubble or sheltered environment is by no means a stretch of the imagination. In this sense, my life has not been extraordinarily difficult or unique. Going on to college in Malibu is no less sheltered than my childhood. But who I am is much greater than where I have grown up.
Much of who I am today is evident from the life of my father. The second oldest of five, his family survived on a physical education teacher’s salary. That translated into little potential success for him. Yet he still managed to pay his way through college, marry a wonderful woman, and afford his family the perfect suburban life in upper class America. Being born the oldest of that self-made man has brought with it my own internal pressures, because if my father could achieve it in his upbringing, I should achieve it in mine as well. The life I have been provided due to my father has been a motivation for me as long as I can remember, pushing me to become someone who betters the lives of those around me.
College has given me the chance to become my own man. While my school is said to exist within the Malibu bubble, or “Malibubble,” the campus is bursting with students pursuing more than a mere comfortable lifestyle. This is an environment that I thrive in: ranging from 20-hour days volunteering in Mexico, to redeveloping my fraternity’s member development program, and leading large work projects for 400 people. This environment has given me the chance to develop as a leader, scholar, and gentleman. But of all my experiences, one stands atop the rest.
In the spring of 2010, I spent a week in Israel. In the midst of studying abroad, I was stuck into the heart of Israel at a time when the entire region was falling apart. I remember watching a large television in a plaza in Tel Aviv watching the riots of the Arab Spring break out as Egypt’s former president stood in front of a mass of people – refusing to step down. Looking around, I saw Israelis, Palestinians, and Egyptians stuck in the midst of this, purely because of where they were born. I found myself thinking: “By whose choice do I get to live a comfortable life, while they wake up each day with uncertainty?” My fortunate upbringing should not be a free ride to riches, fame, or wealth. Rather, it is a calling to seek justice for those who cannot achieve it alone.
The legal field is not a field suited for anyone, as many before me have undoubtedly learned the hard way. But my experiences and desire to better the lives of those around me are the two aspects of my life that will push me to drive for success in law school and beyond. To me, a successful lawyer is one who seeks to pursue justice, fairness, and equality for all those people who lack that protection. Every step in my life to this point has been an opportunity for me to become better equipped for the next stage of my life – law school. Paired with my leadership skills, inquisitive nature, and passion for knowledge, law school will provide me with the tools to be a member of society who is more than just the standard middle-class male.

[Davidbentley]

In general, I don't think this is salvageable. Your narrative seems to suggest that you are uncomfortable with your upbringing. I don't think you need to be on the defensive about this. Law schools, especially the good ones, know that they are largely admitting suburban brats from the vast gentrified wasteland of post-modern america. I say this as a member of the caste, so i am not intending a slight against you. But, you should try to write something that explores, at depth, these characteristics you claim to possess. Just based off of this, I would say Mexico should provide you with some fertile grounds for exploration in a PS.

Paired with my leadership skills, inquisitive nature, and passion for knowledge, law school will provide me with the tools to be a member of society who is more than just the standard middle-class male.