Revised rough draft...please critique Forum

[LoveLife89]

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[NoodleyOne]

I think you're on the edges of something great here, but there's a lot of work to be done still. The part that really resonated with me was this:

I wanted and needed to be that person who did believe in them and who did encourage them to pursue whatever it is that they wanted to be, whether it was the next Langston Hughes or the next doctor

That may be the only sentence in there that's really about YOU and not about what you did or about Harlem or whatever. And this was the one part that really jumped out at me. I think it needs less editing and more of a rewrite, centralizing on that. I didn't get a sense about you very much through this, but more of how tough it is in Harlem. I would focus more on this part, and scrap the rest, or at least repurpose it.

Also, the X law school part seems tacked on in a way to make it seem more personal. This won't impress adcoms, so unless you really want to talk about an individual law school (you could definitely pimp Columbia in a way as the beacon you could see from your roof or some shit), don't force it.

[LoveLife89]

Thanks for that. I'll definitely work on those corrections. And thanks for the input on the X law school