Rough, rough first draft...PLEASE CRITICIZE !! Forum

[LoveLife89]

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[CourtneyJoann]

I think this is a great start! I would tighten your focus though. Right now, it sort of reads like a scholarship essay because you focus a lot on this amazing program you created. Try to focus instead on how the experiences you've had in said program have impacted you and inspired you to want to teach law. I was given great advice about my statement: make sure every sentence you write could only have been written by you and your experiences. If you want a more in depth analysis of how I think this can benefit your ps, pm me. I'm writing this on my phone, and I don't like writing large amounts on it, haha.

[LoveLife89]

Thank you! I PM'ed you.


Anyone else willing to critique? Or suggestions on my focus or direction?

[NoodleyOne]

Er... I see what you're trying to do, but maybe setting kids on fire isn't the right image to give.

Also, your interaction with Winnis seems a little... tacked on, I guess. If you want to talk about how that particular part had an effect on you, try weaving it through the whole narrative, adding in the details about Central Harlem in a more organic way. Show, don't tell type of writing.

[LoveLife89]

I appreciate that. How do you suggest I weave that throughout? I was thinking that also, but I am struggling to figure that out.

[NoodleyOne]

If I'm correct, you're trying to show how tutoring in Central Harlem has inspired you to become a law professor, correct? So maybe over the whole thing chart your progress with Winnis, while at the same time using your shared experiences in the area to flesh out the narrative. Make sure you make it more about you than Winnis, but as a storytelling tool I think your interactions with him could provide a compelling story.

[LoveLife89]

anyone else?