Please review my final draft, I want to submit my apps soon. Forum

[underperformingurm]

Thanks

[anb012187]

You have a great story but I would advise making some of the sentences more active rather than passive. Also you tell instead of show your story, which I have found makes a big difference in how the story connects with the reader/adcomm. For the intro I would pick a difficult moment to illustrate the struggle and how events like this moved you to begin your non-profit. I hope this advice helped and good luck!

[underperformingurm]

Thank you for your suggestions! If anyone else wants to chime in, please do. I plan on taking this down in the next hour or so.