draft sans conclusion. thoughts? Forum

[lsatprepguy]

EDIT: thanks to those who helped.
PM if you would like to read a version of my final draft.

[MarcusAurelius]

too long, didn't read

[lsatprepguy]

too long, didn't read

thanks.

[lsatprepguy]

seriously though, does anyone have any thoughts/suggestions?

[endless_sekai]

Its kind of hard to comment on a ps without the conclusion to tie it in to you desire to go to law school/become a lawyer. However, I think your topic has a lot going for it. I am going to assume the gist of your tie in to the law will be something along the lines of "the struggles and responsibilities I faced with my grandpa's situation have more than prepared me for the rigors of law school and life as a lawyer". With that being said, I think your topic is good, however given your experience your writting and narrative is coming off a bit stiff. That is, with a narrative such as this there should be some flourishes, but it just seems to wooden to me. In other words, there isn't really compelling notes in the story (at least yet). I feel like that you tried to write that, but your tone is coming out a little too formal or passive for the situation.

I think your opening paragraph is well written and does a good job of grabbing attention and it sets up your second paragraph well. However, your opening line of the second paragraph is too factual or stiff, after having a story such as that there should be something there to keep interest going. After starting off with something compelling you shouldn't just bring it to a screeching halt with a line like that. That line is just way too stiff. I would try something along the lines of "This moment was the beginning of the hardest four years of my life." The second line of the paragraph is good because that line should be factual, but then the 3rd sentence and 4th sentence are just too passive. You should use this space to add a little depth or flourish to the story. Ie something like "My grandpa had once possessed such great [insert some quality], but it was clear that it was quickly being sapped from him. We knew that he could no longer live alone. Instead, I decided that I wouldn't just be a student, but I would become the caregiver that my grandpa desperately needed." Other than that the rest of the paragraph is good, I would recommend two changes for the last line. One, you should really get rid of the "I am certain that" part of it, it is passive and stiff. If it just starts of with "Caring" its much more active and alive. Secondly, and really more of a flow change, I would change the second part of the last sentence to "transformed me more than any normal experience could have". To me it flows better than what you had.

3rd paragraph is ok. Only real change is the second line is again a bit stiff. Try something like "My managable (duration) commute ballooned into a four hour odyssey." (When you say commute, round trip is implied so you can remove that from yours). I think you can finish the paragraph with something stronger like... "I managed all this despite balancing a full ug course load and several part time jobs"

4th paragraph is great, easily the best of the ones that you had written.

5th paragraph feels unfinished just because it seems like the paragraph that should tie in your concluding paragraphs.

I seriously think have a good topic, doing what you did is an incredible thing. But, you need to stop describing it so factually or stiff. Right now your ps is simply like you describing your situation/narrative in a curt as manner possible. Instead, it should feel like your recounting to someone close to you. It should have a little more flourish than it does or more depth. You obviously have experienced a lot, use this to your advantage. Remember, you dont want to treat the audience like they are a distant stranger, be more intimate. It's a hard thing to do. Seriously, I would try this, instead of writting, I would take 30 minutes and record your self speaking about the situation. Imagine you are trying to convey it to an old acquitance or someone you just met, but really like. If you do this, you'll notice that the way you speak will automatically come out more forceful and alive than what you have right now. Writing can be hard because it is so easy to over formalize or become passive when trying to write whats in your head. Instead speak it out loud into a recording device and play it back. Then from there where its a lot easier to express yourself you can start to write.

[lsatprepguy]

Holy ... can't express my appreciation enough, endless_sekai. I am going to keep all of this in mind as I prepare my next draft. Once again, thank you.

[NYC2012]

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