Please give me your thoughts. Forum

[futHouLawyer]

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[rinkrat19]

Too long for pretty much any school except Berkeley. Your PS will be double-spaced, so this is 3 1/2 pages.

You start to tell a whole bunch of stories and don't end up telling any of them very completely.

Arrival in Iraq
Racist British commander
Stepfather's influence
Laundry list of school accomplishments (right away I can say that this paragraph should get cut entirely)
Iraq again but without any clear story
Drug trial
Nigerian scam
meh conclusion

Pick one, maybe two of these, and tell them properly.

[oshberg28]

Too long for pretty much any school except Berkeley. Your PS will be double-spaced, so this is 3 1/2 pages.

You start to tell a whole bunch of stories and don't end up telling any of them very completely.

Arrival in Iraq
Racist British commander
Stepfather's influence
Laundry list of school accomplishments (right away I can say that this paragraph should get cut entirely)
Iraq again but without any clear story
Drug trial
Nigerian scam
meh conclusion

Pick one, maybe two of these, and tell them properly.

Basically agreed. The first few paragraphs were good, but get rid of the Nigerian scam paragraph. While it's interesting and you learned a lot from it, it doesn't flow well. It seems like you just added it to show that you have worked on cases involving the law, but the drug trial paragraph already covers that.