Is this too intense of an anecdote? Forum

[yong1ekim]

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[emkay625]

I feverishly ran into the gymnasium only to find it empty. A few minutes earlier I had received a call from one of the mothers. She was frantically looking for Jonathan’s parents. As I began looking for my brother I heard a great commotion coming from the gym’s annex. There was a large crowd of sweaty preteen athletes and their parents circled around the basketball court. Their eyes were fixed on my brother, who lay vulnerably in the middle of the court, still convulsing from his seizure. This was the first time he had a seizure in public, in front of people other than my immediate family. Instinctually, I ran through the crowd of concerned onlookers and covered my shaking brother with my small frame. We sat like that, shaking, until the paramedics finally arrived.


In the rest of the personal statement I address how my brother has shaped me into the person I am today...How growing up with a brother with epilepsy and HCM has taught me many invaluable life lessons and helped me hone skills I believe are pertinent to a lawyer.

I am just concerned that this anecdote might be too visual and too intense for the adcomm. Would you be turned off or feel uncomfortable if you were an adcomm reading this or would you want to continue to read?

Thanks for your input.

Cheers!

I don't think the story itself is too intense, but I do think the way it's written is. In some ways, I think you are TOO descriptive. 3 adjectives in one sentence is a lot. You want to blur some details so you can REALLY emphasize others. My revision:

I ran into the gymnasium only to find it empty. A few minutes earlier I had received a call from a woman frantically looking for Jonathan’s parents. As I began looking for my brother, I heard a commotion coming from the gym’s annex. There was a large crowd of athletes and their parents circled around the basketball court, their eyes fixed on my brother. He lay in the middle of the court, still convulsing from his seizure - the first one he had ever had in public. Instinctually, I ran through the crowd of onlookers and covered my brother with my small frame. We sat like that, shaking, until the paramedics finally arrived.

[rinkrat19]

Too many adverbs. Feverishly running, frantically looking, vulnerably laying, instinctually running (I think you meant 'instinctively'). It's too pearl-clutchingly dramatic. The material is sufficiently intense that if you describe it more plainly, the emotion will still come across to the reader.

[Swimp]

Too many adverbs. Feverishly running, frantically looking, vulnerably laying, instinctually running (I think you meant 'instinctively'). It's too pearl-clutchingly dramatic. The material is sufficiently intense that if you describe it more plainly, the emotion will still come across to the reader.

Yeah, "show, don't tell" right?

I think it's a good policy in general to think hard before you use an adverb. They're kind of a cheap shortcut to dramatize something. You want your reader to have no choice but to feel something because of the action you're describing. Adverbs too often tell the reader how you'd like them to feel about something that's happening.

[yong1ekim]

Thanks for the quick and helpful replies!

[jcm043]

Sweaty preteens, gymnasium... only one thing came to mind....


--ImageRemoved--

[Sounder89]

I think it might be too intense. Obviously you need an attention grabbing opener, but opening anecdotes are fairly commonplace, and they can run the risk of being seen as gimmicky. I'm working on my own PS right now, but a lot of what I've read implies that it's better to start out with a traditional introductory paragraph and weave the anecdotes in later. On Berkeley's PS advice page (about midway down the page) they advise against starting like this:

http://www.law.berkeley.edu/5188.htm
“I felt the cold, sharp edge of a knife at my neck.” “ ‘You rich Americans are all alike,’ she screamed.” “I’ve never been so scared in my life.” “The child’s belly was swollen and scabbed.” You get the picture. Starting the essay with a dramatic, unexplained sentence designed to grab the startled reader’s attention. (In fact, what it does to the reader is produce a dismayed feeling of, “Oh no, not another one of these.”)."

So If you're applying to Berkeley, I would definitely advise against an intense opening anecdote. But for other schools, who knows.

[canarykb]

I think it might be too intense. Obviously you need an attention grabbing opener, but opening anecdotes are fairly commonplace, and they can run the risk of being seen as gimmicky. I'm working on my own PS right now, but a lot of what I've read implies that it's better to start out with a traditional introductory paragraph and weave the anecdotes in later. On Berkeley's PS advice page (about midway down the page) they advise against starting like this:

http://www.law.berkeley.edu/5188.htm
“I felt the cold, sharp edge of a knife at my neck.” “ ‘You rich Americans are all alike,’ she screamed.” “I’ve never been so scared in my life.” “The child’s belly was swollen and scabbed.” You get the picture. Starting the essay with a dramatic, unexplained sentence designed to grab the startled reader’s attention. (In fact, what it does to the reader is produce a dismayed feeling of, “Oh no, not another one of these.”)."

So If you're applying to Berkeley, I would definitely advise against an intense opening anecdote. But for other schools, who knows.

I just read that too! I've reshaped my essay (at least for Berk) so that the opening paragraph has a less gimmicky, though still compelling (hopefully!) intro into my narrative. I read the advice there and was like "oh crap..."

[yong1ekim]

Just finished two versions of PS...1st version with the anecdote and the other without.

Anyone willing and able to read and comment (especially which one you like better)?
I'll send it via PM, LMK

Thank you so much!