Third Draft --- hit it uppp Forum

[zoomzoom88]

There is something exclusive about being young and determined. To me it takes the form of an unparalleled fuel that ignites and spreads onto whatever is at hand. One steaming hot afternoon in July I found myself pouring into boxes of bank account statements, credit card statements and expense reports. I was in the process of tracing transfers, withdrawals and deposits through accounts. Large cash deposits, wire transfers for hundreds of thousands of dollars and fraudulent expense reports were slowly highlighting themselves. Spending hours understanding the intricacies of each page, the numbers began to paint a clear picture of corruption and deceit. Hours into the process, I finally realized that each month $40,000 was being put into a business account for a business that only existed on paper.

It struck an all too familiar chord with me. In 2008, my grandfather lost his life's savings as a result of Bernie Madoff's failed Ponzi scheme. My grandfather exemplified the American dream. An impoverished Italian immigrant, he used his inner fuel to build himself from a shoe shiner to an accomplished public accountant. He spent years frugally saving his money, putting himself through school and building his own accounting practice. In his eighties and suffering from the debilitating effects of two strokes, the news that his life savings, the money that was going to secure his wife in her late years was gone, was what truly killed him. His condition diminished rapidly within the following months after the news of Bernie Maddoff’s ponzi scheme broke. My Grandpa passed away on April 8th, 2009 with medical bills that his wife of over fifty years could not afford.

Sitting on the fold out chair in the living room of the Victorian-styled home that serves as the firm’s headquarters, the weight of what I was looking at hit me. This was more than a laundering scheme, this was a representation of a major issue in American society; some with knowledge of technology and finances are finding new, innovative ways to exploit others. It was in that moment that my future as a lawyer cemented itself in my mind, but also what field of law I wanted to pursue to.
My boss, the senior partner at the Family Practice law firm I work at, was astounded at the depth of the scheme. We went over it for hours, calculating the numbers and coming to the same, repeated conclusion. A motion was filed the next day and after presenting this information to the court; our client, one who had been financially impaired by the defendant, finally received the justice that was deserved.

I have been afforded a tremendous college experience and was given the ability to travel abroad to South Africa to study the intersection of HIV, healthcare and emerging economies on a first hand basis. During my time there I saw numerous volunteer organizations, health clinics and the plight of people suffering from factors beyond their control. Most striking to me was the emphasis that South Africans placed on building sound economic institutions. When speaking to a local entrepreneur who had grown up in a shantytown under the apartheid government and under the new democratic government had developed her own bed and breakfast chain, a statement she made regarding trust reverberated with me. Speaking towards the judicial system under the apartheid government she said, “there was no trust, no trust in anything. What can a person accomplish if they have no trust that justice exists?” I remember this moment so clearly because it comes to my mind every time I think about what happened to my grandfather and to the aforementioned client. The difference between having a functional and productive economy versus one that has lost the trust of the people lies in the ability to serve justice.

As a law school student at “ University School of Law” I will pursue a legal education with a concentration in financial law and regulation. I wish to work in this field of law not only because I have felt the rush that accompanies uncovering the wrongdoings of those who chose to launder money, but also because I wish to help prevent anyone from having to experience what my Grandfather did. In today’s uncertain economic times, I believe that the point of convergence between finance and law holds key in the efforts to re-stabilize financial institutions and regain the trust of disheartened public. The United States’ legal system exists to serve and protect its citizen. For this to be done properly it requires lawyers who are fluent in finance and financial regulations. It also needs lawyers with a passion for being the most educated and knowledgeable on a commanding combination of law and investment.

[Cerebro]

There is something exclusive about being young and determined. To me it takes the form of an unparalleled fuel that ignites and spreads onto whatever is at hand. One steaming hot afternoon in July I found myself pouring into boxes of bank account statements, credit card statements and expense reports.

That's as far as I read. You really need to be careful with your choice of words and be sure to choose the correct words. Now, I'm not sure what exactly you're trying to say here, particularly with the bolded words, but...

1. "Exclusive" just doesn't seem like the right word in in this context. What do you mean by it?
2. What were you pouring into the boxes? Do you mean poring?
3. "One hot steaming afternoon" --- I'm not sure if it's this phrase, the juxtaposition of this and the ignited fuel that is burning up whatever's at hand, or just the whole tone of the opening paragraph so far, but it has too much of a melodramatic tone for my liking.

Sorry... I may come back and try to read some more after I get some air.

ETA: OK... I'm back.

I was in the process of tracing transfers, withdrawals and deposits through accounts. Large cash deposits, wire transfers for hundreds of thousands of dollars and fraudulent expense reports were slowly highlighting themselves. Spending hours understanding the intricacies of each page, the numbers began to paint a clear picture of corruption and deceit. Hours into the process, I finally realized that each month $40,000 was being put into a business account for a business that only existed on paper.

Ok, so the second half of the first paragraph is a lot better. It definitely sounds more natural, and in general, it is very well written. Going back to the first half of the first paragraph, I (obviously) think it needs some work. I really don't like the the second sentence about fuel igniting. In my opinion, it adds little and makes me think, "OK, here's someone who's trying really hard -- too hard -- to write a personal statement. It's just not natural."

It struck an all too familiar chord with me. In 2008, my grandfather lost his life's savings as a result of Bernie Madoff's failed Ponzi scheme. My grandfather exemplified the American dream. An impoverished Italian immigrant, he used his inner fuel to build himself from a shoe shiner to an accomplished public accountant. He spent years frugally saving his money, putting himself through school and building his own accounting practice. In his eighties and suffering from the debilitating effects of two strokes, the news that his life savings, the money that was going to secure his wife in her late years was gone, was what truly killed him. His condition diminished rapidly within the following months after the news of Bernie Maddoff’s ponzi scheme broke. My Grandpa passed away on April 8th, 2009 with medical bills that his wife of over fifty years could not afford.

OK, so now I get the fuel metaphor from the first paragraph, and to be honest, when I read about your grandfather and your use of "inner fuel" here, I'm starting to like the metaphor a lot better. In retrospect, I think you should work on introducing the metaphor better in the first paragraph, so that it doesn't come across so heavy-handed.

Sitting on the fold out chair in the living room of the Victorian-styled home that serves as the firm’s headquarters, the weight of what I was looking at hit me. This was more than a laundering scheme, this was a representation of a major issue in American society; some with knowledge of technology and finances are finding new, innovative ways to exploit others. It was in that moment that my future as a lawyer cemented itself in my mind, but also what field of law I wanted to pursue to.

My boss, the senior partner at the Family Practice law firm I work at, was astounded at the depth of the scheme. We went over it for hours, calculating the numbers and coming to the same, repeated conclusion. A motion was filed the next day and after presenting this information to the court; our client, one who had been financially impaired by the defendant, finally received the justice that was deserved.

What was your boss's inner fuel? Was there something about his or her passion that you found inspiring which caused you, in addition to your experience on the case, to want to pursue a legal career?

I have been afforded a tremendous college experience and was given the ability to travel abroad to South Africa to study the intersection of HIV, healthcare and emerging economies on a first hand basis. During my time there I saw numerous volunteer organizations, health clinics and the plight of people suffering from factors beyond their control. Most striking to me was the emphasis that South Africans placed on building sound economic institutions. When speaking to a local entrepreneur who had grown up in a shantytown under the apartheid government and under the new democratic government had developed her own bed and breakfast chain, a statement she made regarding trust reverberated with me. Speaking towards the judicial system under the apartheid government she said, “there was no trust, no trust in anything. What can a person accomplish if they have no trust that justice exists?” I remember this moment so clearly because it comes to my mind every time I think about what happened to my grandfather and to the aforementioned client. The difference between having a functional and productive economy versus one that has lost the trust of the people lies in the ability to serve justice.

As a law school student at “ University School of Law” I will pursue a legal education with a concentration in financial law and regulation. I wish to work in this field of law not only because I have felt the rush that accompanies uncovering the wrongdoings of those who chose to launder money, but also because I wish to help prevent anyone from having to experience what my Grandfather did. In today’s uncertain economic times, I believe that the point of convergence between finance and law holds key in the efforts to re-stabilize financial institutions and regain the trust of disheartened public. The United States’ legal system exists to serve and protect its citizen. For this to be done properly it requires lawyers who are fluent in finance and financial regulations. It also needs lawyers with a passion for being the most educated and knowledgeable on a commanding combination of law and investment.

Overall, I think this was very good. Much better than I would have expected it to be from just reading the first two sentences. I'm sincerely glad that I came back to read the rest of it.

Good luck.

[zoomzoom88]

hey thanks so much! i really appreciate the feedback! im going to tweak the intro and maybe ill shoot you the revised version if it works for you? x

[Cerebro]

Sure... I'd be happy to take another look. I will be offline for a few days, though, so you may not hear back from me right away.

[Richie Tenenbaum]

There is something exclusive about[There is nothing quite like] being young and determined. To me it takes the form of an unparalleled fuel that ignites and spreads onto whatever is at hand. One steaming hot afternoon in July I found myself pouring into boxes of bank account statements, credit card statements[,] and expense reports. I was in the process of tracing transfers, withdrawals[,] and deposits through accounts. [Through the maze of numbers,] [l]arge cash deposits, wire transfers for hundreds of thousands of dollars[,] and fraudulent expense reports [began to surface] were slowly highlighting themselves. Spending hours understanding the intricacies of each page, the numbers began to paint a clear picture of corruption and deceit. Hours into the process, I finally realized that each month $40,000 was being put into a business account for a business that only existed on paper.

It[This situation] struck an all too familiar chord with me. In 2008, my grandfather lost his life's savings as a result of Bernie Madoff's failed Ponzi scheme. My grandfather exemplified the American dream. An impoverished Italian immigrant, he used his inner fuel to build himself from a shoe shiner to an accomplished public accountant. He spent years frugally saving his money, putting himself through school[,] and building his own accounting practice. In his eighties and suffering from the debilitating effects of two strokes, the news that his life savings, the money that was going to secure his wife in her late years was gone, was what truly killed him. His condition diminished rapidly within the following months after the news of Bernie Maddoff’s ponzi scheme broke. My [g]randpa passed away on April 8th, 2009 with medical bills that his wife of over fifty years could not afford.

Sitting on the fold[-]out chair in the living room of the Victorian-styled home that serves as the firm’s headquarters, the weight of what I was looking at hit me. This was more than a laundering scheme, this was a representation of a major issue in American society; some with knowledge of technology and finances are finding new, innovative ways to exploit others. It was in that moment that [not only did ] my future as a lawyer cement[] itself in my mind, but also what field of law I wanted to pursue[]. <PREVIOUS SENTENCE IS STILL AWKWARD, CONSIDER REPHRASING>
My boss, the senior partner at the Family Practice law firm I work at, was astounded at the depth of the scheme. We went over it for hours, calculating the numbers and coming to the same, repeated conclusion. A motion was filed the next day and after presenting this information to the court[,] our client, one who had been financially impaired by the defendant, finally received the justice that was deserved.

I have been afforded a tremendous college experience and was given the ability to travel abroad to South Africa to study the intersection of HIV, healthcare[,] and emerging economies on a first hand basis. During my time there I saw numerous volunteer organizations, health clinics[,] and the plight of people suffering from factors beyond their control. Most striking to me was the emphasis that South Africans placed on building sound economic institutions. When speaking to a local entrepreneur who had grown up in a shantytown under the apartheid government and under the new democratic government had developed her own bed and breakfast chain, a statement she made regarding trust reverberated with me. Speaking towards the judicial system under the apartheid government she said, “[T]here was no trust, no trust in anything. What can a person accomplish if they have no trust that justice exists?” I remember this moment so clearly because it comes to my mind every time I think about what happened to my grandfather and to the aforementioned client. The difference between having a functional and productive economy versus one that has lost the trust of the people lies in the ability to serve justice.

As a law school student at “ University School of Law” I will pursue a legal education with a concentration in financial law and regulation. I wish to work in this field of law not only because I have felt the rush that accompanies uncovering the wrongdoings of those who chose to launder money, but also because I wish to help prevent anyone from having to experience what my [g]randfather did. In today’s uncertain economic times, I believe that the point of convergence between finance and law holds[is] key in the efforts to re-stabilize financial institutions and regain the trust of disheartened public. The United States[] legal system exists to serve and protect its citizen. For this to be done properly it requires lawyers who are fluent in finance and financial regulations. It also needs lawyers with a passion for being the most educated and knowledgeable on a commanding combination of law and investment.

My suggestions are noted in brackets. Empty brackets indicate a deletion of some letters or punctuation. It's okay, but it needs to be a lot crisper. The transition from the initial story to the overseas story needs to be more fluid. The ending could use some work too.

Also, for the love of god start using oxford commas. The legal community does it, and so should you. (Because 1) the admin looking at it will be used to seeing it, and 2) it decreases the chances of confusion upon reading a sentence.)

ETA: I didn't like the "inner fuel" metaphor. Seemed forced and awkward. It's possible that it could be worked into the PS in a better way, but, as is, I didn't like it.

[zoomzoom88]

okay i will work on your suggestions - I appreciate it a lot. what do you dislike about the ending? should i talk more about the program within the school?

[bobbypin]

The transition between your third and fourth paragraphs is not fluid. I got whiplash and did not know where you were going.