Second Draft... Any and all feedback would be appreciated! Forum

[dsn32]

Thanks for the feedback!

[06102016]

..

[dsn32]

I really like this. I'm going to read over it a few times and send you a PM with more detailed edits, but just a general thing: remove contractions. Your writing has a very open feel, which is great for a personal statement, but you should just remove all of the contractions. The last paragraph is the right idea for what you're doing, but could just be tightened up. "Make a difference," "person on this planet" and stuff like that are unnecessary.

Nice work, though.

Thanks, and I appreciate the offer for the detailed edits! If you need a look at any of your essays feel free to let me know.

[spicyyoda17]

Overall I think this is a strong start. You've done a good job of telling a story that translates to something important about you.

Comments:

1) Contractions ARE okay, especially in a PS like this where the format is conversational. If you were to somehow want to make it a more formal sounding PS (which I don't think is a good idea in this case), then yes, take out contractions. As it is, however, contractions are definitely okay.

2) There will be no value whatsoever in using the school's specific name in the manner that you have noted. If you were to tailor it more specifically so that it was customized for each school (i.e. talk about specifics at the school that pair well with your talents/personality), then this would be a good idea. However, adcoms do not like seeing the school name inserted in a way that could be interchangeable among all schools. Just leave it out.

3) Don't say "I believe." It is YOUR personal statement, and it is understood that what you say is what you think/believe.

Those were the 3 main things I wanted to mention (aside from the fact that this is a really strong beginning to a solid PS).

Best of luck!

[dsn32]

Overall I think this is a strong start. You've done a good job of telling a story that translates to something important about you.

Comments:

1) Contractions ARE okay, especially in a PS like this where the format is conversational. If you were to somehow want to make it a more formal sounding PS (which I don't think is a good idea in this case), then yes, take out contractions. As it is, however, contractions are definitely okay.

2) There will be no value whatsoever in using the school's specific name in the manner that you have noted. If you were to tailor it more specifically so that it was customized for each school (i.e. talk about specifics at the school that pair well with your talents/personality), then this would be a good idea. However, adcoms do not like seeing the school name inserted in a way that could be interchangeable among all schools. Just leave it out.

3) Don't say "I believe." It is YOUR personal statement, and it is understood that what you say is what you think/believe.

Those were the 3 main things I wanted to mention (aside from the fact that this is a really strong beginning to a solid PS).

Best of luck!

Good spot, I forgot to remove the part where I'm inserting school's names in there, there was originally a place to discuss why I wanted to attend each school, but I decided I needed more about myself and why I'd be a strong candidate.

And what would you suggest replacing "I believe" with? I do see your point, and I think its a good one.... but what would you put in place of it? I can? I will? I know? I feel like some of those come off as too strong and maybe cocky/arrogant, but there definitely could be a better way to word it that doesn't do this.

[06102016]

..