Draft 2 Forum
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Triveal
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Sun Sep 25, 2011 1:54 am
Re: Draft 2
I like it. I could nitpick word choice/flow/sentence structure stuff, but on the whole, it's good. It comes across as genuine, which is huge IMO
edit: I'd play up the "small victory" idea even more. Make it even more evident that you know it was, for the environmental movement, pretty insignificant, but that it still made you feel satisfied to contribute. It comes through already, but it could be even stronger.
edit: I'd play up the "small victory" idea even more. Make it even more evident that you know it was, for the environmental movement, pretty insignificant, but that it still made you feel satisfied to contribute. It comes through already, but it could be even stronger.
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AntipodeanPhil
- Posts: 1352
- Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:02 pm
Re: Draft 2
+1Triveal wrote:I like it. I could nitpick word choice/flow/sentence structure stuff, but on the whole, it's good. It comes across as genuine, which is huge IMO
edit: I'd play up the "small victory" idea even more. Make it even more evident that you know it was, for the environmental movement, pretty insignificant, but that it still made you feel satisfied to contribute. It comes through already, but it could be even stronger.
This is a very good personal statement.
My criticism is similar to the point made above. Your draft comes across as a bit too brief and a bit too cold. I would try to add some more emotion, and details to better involve the reader. You might briefly describe some of the negative effects of paper and plastic bag use, for example, in a way that shows your passion for the topic. And you might better indicate or emphasize your reaction to your eventual success - as mentioned above.
A minor point: I don't like "fast-forward two years." I think it has a slightly trite tone to it, which doesn't fit with the understated and genuine tone of the rest of your writing.
