I feel like i'm getting closer....come take a look! Forum

[californiauser]

old

[californiauser]

anyone?

[LoveLife89]

My only advice would be to show and not tell. how did you aspire to be a better person or remain optimistic? If you show, rather than tell, the reader will be able to know what you are conveying. Without it, it's just empty words. HTH

[VasaVasori]

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[californiauser]

Thanks guys, I'm going to clean up the first paragraph and work on the physical examples.

Any other comments? I'm not sure if the lack of replies is a good or bad thing.

[Eichörnchen]

After writing a few drafts that did not address the reasons why I wanted to be an attorney, I decided to go ahead and give my reasons. Idealistic? Maybe, but here it is:


I was at the local elementary school playing football when my neighbor found me and told me there was an ambulance parked in my driveway. Out of breath, I rounded the corner into my cul-de-sac in a dead sprint. In the back of my mind I knew the reason for the six missed calls and 911 texts. I was shaking uncontrollably, but with every step that brought me closer to my house I felt a steady, complete and total numbness encroach over me. [This word strikes me as odd - "encroach" has a particular feeling of being obtrusive or 'taking' something that is not the subject's. For example, you might encroach on someone's land, rights, etc But that could just be me.] As a 7th grader my life was consumed with Oakland A’s baseball and hours practicing my electric guitar. The magnitude of death was foreign to me, yet its presence was right in front of me, staring me in the face. My mother and stepfather found my sister on the bathroom floor—she tried to commit suicide again—this time by overdosing on prescription-pills [I don't find this hyphen necessary]. With tubes in her mouth and an IV above her scar blazoned [I don't know if "blazoned" is the right word. Did you mean "emblazoned"? Either way, I might pick a different word or simply go with "scarred"] wrists; I saw them take her away, not knowing if that was the last time I’d see her alive. Like pain from a punch to the gut, the illimitable value of human life consumed me [The value of life consumed you? This strikes me as a little nonsensical. Maybe "...the realization/appreciation of life's illimitable value consumed me"? In any case, the phrase is a little odd] and for the first time in my life, I realized how much my family meant to me and how much I would sacrifice to ensure their happiness.

My sister survived, but her struggle continued. As I grew older and began high school, she remained trapped in a psychological cell of depression [Maybe this is an official term I'm unaware of, but "cell" sounds weird. My first thought was that you were dressing up "glass box of emotion" ]. Her mental soundness ebbed and flowed, and with every two steps of emotive progress she experienced, a step backwards followed. I felt hopeless seeing the person I grew up with, my childhood best friend and role model, engaged in a losing battle with depression. I constantly asked myself, “why can’t she just be happy?” I quickly learned that willing her of depression was unrealistic. [Doesn't make sense. "Willing her depression away".] All I could do was lead by example. By being positive and supportive, I made it my goal to show her the brighter side of life. Regardless of the fact that I’m four years younger than her, I aspired to be someone she could look up to. My experiences with her taught me not to be taken aback by things out of my control. Meeting affliction with optimism and confidence did not come easy, but eventually it became part of my deepest moral fiber.

I credit my perspectives on life to my sister. Empathy, understanding, patience, and diligence are traits she unknowingly elucidated within me. ["elucidated within" doesn't sound right to me. When I think "elucidate" I think of someone purposefully clarifying or explaining something to someone else.] I undoubtedly would not have been able to be able to keep a rigidly [I feel like having a 'rigid' outlook implies something negative rather than light and positive.] positive outlook on some of the more unfortunate circumstances that have burdened my family during my high school and college years, had it not been for my experiences with my sister. When we lost our house to foreclosure and my mother became ill from Meniere’s disease, it was an extremely difficult time, but one I felt well prepared to endure. [I see that you're still trying to slip these topics in. It's better now than in the original, but it still feels like you're thinking "Hey, even more bad stuff happened to me in life that I haven't been able to squeeze in yet!" It still feels a little forced because it doesn't fit the narrative of coping with your sister's depression. Basically, multiple shitty things happen to a lot of us, and I'd say pick one that demonstrates what you want demonstrated about your growth and personality best - if the others fit and help that narrative, super. If not, then leave them out.] We made it through the foreclosure and my mother’s weekly debilitating vertigo attacks occur, now, only sporadically. The adversity we faced together has brought us closer than ever, today.

The traits I developed through enduring hardships benefitted me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. After demonstrating my attentive and meticulous habits as a high-school [Is this hyphen necessary?] intern in the xxx division of the (regional govt agency), I was invited back the following summer to work full-time. I am currently working for my fourth consecutive summer at the (regional govt agency) and have been extended an offer to return as a legal intern the summer after my first year of law school, a direct result of the hard work and commitment to the organization, a similar commitment I internally vowed to my sister. [I feel a stretch in connecting these topics. Strengthen this and make it a natural progression.] My interest in law, specifically litigation, stems from my experiences at the (regional govt agency), and witnessing, first hand, the extensive litigation the counsel partakes in to uphold policy to ensure the health of the residents in the (big city).

I plan on using my law degree to work with an agency similar in size and function to the (regional govt agency). The tight-knit (small)-person organization feels more like a family than a government agency. The path to working for an agency like the (regional govt agency) will not be an easy one; the legal department is comprised of only eight attorneys, with the majority having private practice or prior government experience. The credentials needed to become marketable for such a celebrated position are nothing less than a distinguished law degree from xxx law school. By combining the lessons my life experiences have taught me, an indelible desire to succeed, and a coveted legal education from xxx law school, my ambitions of becoming counsel at a xxx agency like the (govt agency) will become a realistic and attainable.

[This last paragraph does not fit your PS. How do we get from coping with depression in your family to learning about the legal dept. of xxx and how the attorneys there have private practice experience? This is not a natural and flowing progression.]

I'd say it's better...until we get to the end. It becomes entirely disjointed there. I'd also say to write in a style and vocabulary that is more natural to you. It becomes stilted or overly formal in areas, and one can sense that you do not often use some of the words you have in the PS. It's ok to have a simpler vocabulary. If the writing is good, that's what matters. No need to dress it up with words you don't have great familiarity with. If you find yourself on freethesaurus.com or something, take a step back from the computer.

Hope this helps!