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[VasaVasori]

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[meimei32]

Definitely an interesting topic, but needs work. First of all I wouldn't devote that much space to experiences you had when you were 7... it should primarily focus on something more recent. If you cut down that story (which shouldn't be too hard because you give a lot of unnecessary details) and tie it in to how your family situation has effected you more recently it has potential. The sentence that starts "an avid reader..." sounds kind of condescending, I would reword that. The ending, especially the last paragraph, sounds disjointed.
Overall, as it is right now doesn't say a lot about you.

[tyler.durden]

Definitely an interesting topic, but needs work. First of all I wouldn't devote that much space to experiences you had when you were 7... it should primarily focus on something more recent. If you cut down that story (which shouldn't be too hard because you give a lot of unnecessary details) and tie it in to how your family situation has effected you more recently it has potential. The sentence that starts "an avid reader..." sounds kind of condescending, I would reword that. The ending, especially the last paragraph, sounds disjointed.
Overall, as it is right now doesn't say a lot about you.

This.

Also, i think the whole "the law is my life.... without it I would never have existed" bit is a bit dramatic. I mean i see where you are coming from, but it comes of weird. Might be worth trying to rephrase.

[CorkBoard]

I agree with the other posters now that I've taken another look at it. I think this story is great, and you could use it, but you just have to find another way to integrate it into what it has taught you/what it says about you as a person, etc.

I still stand by what I said earlier about this being a much stronger than your other topics, though. The good news is that you have plenty of time to work on it and that this is a pretty good start.

[VasaVasori]

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[ben4847]

I'd rather the story explain how it is relevant to who you are, and how you view the world. Then, if you want to tie it to your interest in law school, you say that who you are because of this story makes you want to be a lawyer. That is, the connection strikes me wrong, because, frankly, nobody is going to buy that you think any differently about the law because a lawyer helped your dad draw up contracts whereby your mom would never have anything to do with you until you were 7.

On that score, I'm unconvinced you need to connect this to law at all. If you can talk about how your experiences have shaped your personality, and made you pursue your dreams, or made you pursue success, and your success happens to be getting in to this law school--I'd think that a legitimate PS.

[rinkrat19]

I'd rather the story explain how it is relevant to who you are, and how you view the world. Then, if you want to tie it to your interest in law school, you say that who you are because of this story makes you want to be a lawyer. That is, the connection strikes me wrong, because, frankly, nobody is going to buy that you think any differently about the law because a lawyer helped your dad draw up contracts whereby your mom would never have anything to do with you until you were 7.

On that score, I'm unconvinced you need to connect this to law at all. If you can talk about how your experiences have shaped your personality, and made you pursue your dreams, or made you pursue success, and your success happens to be getting in to this law school--I'd think that a legitimate PS.

I agree with all of this.

It's a compelling topic, but you're not fully utilizing it. Right now you're telling a story, period. There's nothing to explain why that story is relevant. And throwing in the sentence about the lawyer is weak; you can use the story to show something about yourself that would make you an attractive candidate for law schools or would make you a good lawyer or whatever. There's no need to stretch so desperately to explicitly connect it to law.

[VasaVasori]

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