Critique my PS Forum
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LawSchoolBound9
- Posts: 1
- Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2012 10:21 pm
Critique my PS
Edit... great critiques and now it's back to the drawing board. Thanks Yukos!
Last edited by LawSchoolBound9 on Mon Jul 30, 2012 11:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Yukos
- Posts: 1774
- Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2011 12:47 pm
Re: Critique my PS
While you have some elements of a successful PS, this has a long way to go. Don't worry though, I think we all start where you are now.
First, this PS is all over the place. It's about your handiness... no, it's about your father having cancer... no, it's about your self-reflection... no, it's about when you taught at a high school. You get my point. You need to figure out what you want your PS to be about and focus on that story -- and cut everything else out.
Second, many sentences are clunky and verbose:
Likewise:
Finally, the last paragraph makes you come across as arrogant and naive. Let me preface this by saying I never saw you teach, and you might be describing what happened completely truthfully. Nevertheless, the impression I get is of someone who comes in knowing nothing about teaching, denigrates a professional who's been through God knows what, and then deems herself the savior of those poor disadvantaged children. Not a good look for you.
Hope this helps.
First, this PS is all over the place. It's about your handiness... no, it's about your father having cancer... no, it's about your self-reflection... no, it's about when you taught at a high school. You get my point. You need to figure out what you want your PS to be about and focus on that story -- and cut everything else out.
Second, many sentences are clunky and verbose:
This line is a melodramatic cliche expressed with an annoyingly formal tone.I obliged with trepidation, my only solace being my determination to capitalize on my education while it was still within reach.
Likewise:
I just find this kind of writing cloying. I'm not sure how to be more constructive, except to say try not to be so uptight with your tone.While I have always coveted my status as a degree-seeking student, never before had I even fathomed the possibility of that very status being suspended.
Finally, the last paragraph makes you come across as arrogant and naive. Let me preface this by saying I never saw you teach, and you might be describing what happened completely truthfully. Nevertheless, the impression I get is of someone who comes in knowing nothing about teaching, denigrates a professional who's been through God knows what, and then deems herself the savior of those poor disadvantaged children. Not a good look for you.
Hope this helps.
