Critique my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2012 10:21 pm

Critique my PS

Post by LawSchoolBound9 » Mon Jul 30, 2012 10:27 pm

Edit... great critiques and now it's back to the drawing board. Thanks Yukos!
Last edited by LawSchoolBound9 on Mon Jul 30, 2012 11:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Critique my PS

Post by Yukos » Mon Jul 30, 2012 11:18 pm

While you have some elements of a successful PS, this has a long way to go. Don't worry though, I think we all start where you are now.

First, this PS is all over the place. It's about your handiness... no, it's about your father having cancer... no, it's about your self-reflection... no, it's about when you taught at a high school. You get my point. You need to figure out what you want your PS to be about and focus on that story -- and cut everything else out.

Second, many sentences are clunky and verbose:
I obliged with trepidation, my only solace being my determination to capitalize on my education while it was still within reach.
This line is a melodramatic cliche expressed with an annoyingly formal tone.

While I have always coveted my status as a degree-seeking student, never before had I even fathomed the possibility of that very status being suspended.
I just find this kind of writing cloying. I'm not sure how to be more constructive, except to say try not to be so uptight with your tone.

Finally, the last paragraph makes you come across as arrogant and naive. Let me preface this by saying I never saw you teach, and you might be describing what happened completely truthfully. Nevertheless, the impression I get is of someone who comes in knowing nothing about teaching, denigrates a professional who's been through God knows what, and then deems herself the savior of those poor disadvantaged children. Not a good look for you.

Hope this helps.

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