First Draft Critique Please Forum

[lawhopeful10]

Delete

[drive4showLSAT4dough]

The substance of your essay: 1. father's character and 2. experiences with race in a leadership role makes for a very compelling topic. I think you unintentionally undermine it, however, with phrases like "as a lawyer and law student" and "want to succeed in law school more than I have ever wanted something in my life."

You're writing for adcomms -- they already know you want to go to law school, and they already know you want to become a lawyer. I think the scope shift from the above substance to the somewhat obvious sales pitch towards the end has a weakening effect on your topic.

IMO, its enough to show your interest in racial equality, leadership, etc., by simply describing the topic and its significance to you.

[lawhopeful10]

alright thank you, yea I understand what you are saying. I might replace those lines with something else.