Deleted Forum

[jychun412]

Thanks

[Jonathk1]

I thought it was alright. I think the transition in tone could be better though IMO. The first half of your PS made you sound somewhat bitter (Which of course is understandable), but I felt you needed to elaborate more on how you went from micro (seeing your family harmed) to macro (seeing immigrants harmed). I know you said that you moved to a Buddhist temple and saw other immigrants experiencing the same thing (Which I'm assuming is the connection for the micro-macro) but the bitter tone suddenly disappears without a real explanation as to why.

I think it would also be beneficial for you to explain why a legal education is the best route to achieving your dreams. You can be an immigration advocate without necessarily being a lawyer. You can also open a legal assistance center for immigrants without being a lawyer (Indeed, you can just be the director for the center). What is it exactly about being a lawyer that will help you achieve what you are trying to achieve?

Would you mind reading my diversity statement? PM me.

[jychun412]

Thanks Jonathk1 :)
Do you have any suggestions on how I could improve the transition in tone? I didn't mean to change the tone but I wrote it that way because someone had said that I mention my bitterness too many times. I don't know how I could improve it without being repetitive.

[Jonathk1]

Edited.

[jychun412]

Thanks for your helpful critique, Jonathk1
I see what I have to work on now.