Deleted Forum

[jychun412]

Thanks for your comments!

[CanadianWolf]

#2 is better than #1, but it could be better, in my opinion.

[jychun412]

Thanks for your feedback, CanadianWolf
Does anyone have any suggestions for improvement?

[Yardbird]

Thanks for your feedback, CanadianWolf
Does anyone have any suggestions for improvement?

Too much narrative, not enough about you.

[Edit] In fact, this seems more like a story about your mother from the first two paragraphs. You really want to catch the admissions committee's attention and have it focused on you.

[jychun412]

I see what you mean.
It focuses more on myself right after that intro but I think the background info is too much.
Thanks for your feedback :)

[GirlStop]

#2

[CorkBoard]

I have written my intro in 2 different styles and would like to know which one sounds more interesting.
I started out with the first one but changed it because everyone else's PS seemed to start out in a dramatic way.
Any opinion would be greatly appreciated

1:
The summer of my sophomore year in high school, my family suffered a hardship that changed the course of my life. We were unfairly forced to close down the clothing store that we had owned for nearly two years. It was the first family business that my parents opened, financed by years of work in demanding part-time jobs. My mother’s previous employer, a close family friend, had charitably sold the store to us for a very generous price and it had represented our hopes and dreams. When the contract was nearing expiration, my parents requested a new one but the building owner put off signing a contract for over a year, promising them that it wasn’t necessary and that they didn’t need one to retain their business. My parents, trusting the owner’s words and assuming them to be legally binding, had done nothing further. But the owner reneged on his promise when he put the building on sale without notice and forced us to close down the store. We called, mailed, and visited the building owner, demanding he change his mind, but with no success. The owner refused to listen to our pleas and leased the building to someone else.


2:
It was the day of the opening of our family’s first clothing store. I stood excitedly next to my parents, staring at the big double doors of our store. In that short moment, I envisioned a new life for my family; one without demanding part-time jobs, second-hand furniture, or worries about paying the rent. But little did I know that our ambitious beginning would soon end abruptly. One day, when our store had not yet reached its two-year anniversary, we received a sudden notice to vacate the building. The news came as a complete shock. When the previous contract had expired, the building owner had refused to sign a new one, assuring my family that it wasn’t necessary and that we didn’t need one to retain our business. Trusting the owner’s words and assuming them to be legally binding, we had done nothing further. Now we were paying for this mistake. I called, mailed, and visited the building owner, demanding he change his mind, but with no success. The owner refused to listen to our pleas and leased the building to someone else.

#2, though it needs a great deal of work. #1 has a fuckton of passive voice.

[jychun412]

lol. okay.
yeah, i don't like either of them so i'm trying to do it all over.
but at least i know which style is better.
thanks