DS Rough Draft: Too Lighthearted? Forum

[vdog]

So I have this for the rough draft of DS. My PS draft is on the serious side, so I did not want to do the whole rough-life thing with my DS. However, I am not sure if this is too lighthearted for a DS. I have been a long-time lurker of TLS and would like to have some insight on this matter.

I will pull this down in a few days, so please do not quote my DS in your reply. For detailed/grammatical critiques of my DS, please PM me. Thank you for your time.

....
Bargain-hunting taught me frugality, detailed analysis, and negotiation techniques during a time when our family income increased from well below to just slightly below the poverty line. As a child, I often accompanied my mom to the mall, wading through the clearance isles for post-season clothes. Because department stores carry weak brand prestige and high residual inventory, they offered better deals for similar quality clothes than discount stores like Wal-Mart and brand-name stores like The Gap. Plus, they offered free exercises on mathematical heuristics.

My mom spoke English with a broken Vietnamese accent, so I handled communication at the cash register for her. Sometimes, the clothes on the clearance isle are mispriced or misplaced, so I would negotiate with the cashier for the lower price. In a typical exchange, I would begin with an appeal to flattery and then follow up with an appeal to pity by briefly mentioning my financial situation. If this failed, I would request to speak with the manager and complain about poor service. As the American business principle emphasizes building symbiotic relationships with its customers, these negotiations seldom took long, and I always received the desired price reduction.

Once my mom registered for membership cards, we began receiving weekly coupons. American retailers are clever; they entice the buyer with flashy percentages, but the fine print reveals that many coupons do not apply for clearance or specific brands, not to mention better coupons usually implies a clearance price markup on the sales date. As a bargain-hunter, I saw through their little tricks. I taught myself to skim through coupon fine prints and weekly sales catalogs to determine the best deals and purchase dates. This strategy proved successful; on one of those dates, my mom and I purchased new clothes for all the women in my extended family at a grand total of $150, saving 85%.

My family now owns a cozy house with two cars in a suburban neighborhood. Comfortably upper-middle class, we can now afford $12 jeans and trips to fancier restaurants than McDonald’s. Nevertheless, I remain a bargain-hunter. Thanks to opportune markdowns and the “free” section on Craigslist, my dormitory belongings total approximately $1000—half the price of a Macbook Pro.

[loblaw016]

So I have this for the rough draft of DS. My PS draft is on the serious side, so I did not want to do the whole rough-life thing with my DS. However, I am not sure if this is too lighthearted for a DS. I have been a long-time lurker of TLS and would like to have some insight on this matter.

I will pull this down in a few days, so please do not quote my DS in your reply. For detailed/grammatical critiques of my DS, please PM me. Thank you for your time.

....
Bargain-hunting taught me frugality, detailed analysis, and negotiation techniques during a time when our family income increased from well below to just slightly below the poverty line. As a child, I often accompanied my mom to the mall, wading through the clearance isles for post-season clothes. Because department stores carry weak brand prestige and high residual inventory, they offered better deals for similar quality clothes than discount stores like Wal-Mart and brand-name stores like The Gap. Plus, they offered free exercises on mathematical heuristics.

My mom spoke English with a broken Vietnamese accent, so I handled communication at the cash register for her. Sometimes, the clothes on the clearance isle are mispriced or misplaced, so I would negotiate with the cashier for the lower price. In a typical exchange, I would begin with an appeal to flattery and then follow up with an appeal to pity by briefly mentioning my financial situation. If this failed, I would request to speak with the manager and complain about poor service. As the American business principle emphasizes building symbiotic relationships with its customers, these negotiations seldom took long, and I always received the desired price reduction.

Once my mom registered for membership cards, we began receiving weekly coupons. American retailers are clever; they entice the buyer with flashy percentages, but the fine print reveals that many coupons do not apply for clearance or specific brands, not to mention better coupons usually implies a clearance price markup on the sales date. As a bargain-hunter, I saw through their little tricks. I taught myself to skim through coupon fine prints and weekly sales catalogs to determine the best deals and purchase dates. This strategy proved successful; on one of those dates, my mom and I purchased new clothes for all the women in my extended family at a grand total of $150, saving 85%.

My family now owns a cozy house with two cars in a suburban neighborhood. Comfortably upper-middle class, we can now afford $12 jeans and trips to fancier restaurants than McDonald’s. Nevertheless, I remain a bargain-hunter. Thanks to opportune markdowns and the “free” section on Craigslist, my dormitory belongings total approximately $1000—half the price of a Macbook Pro.

is this about your diversity or your negotiating/bargaining/potential lawyering skills? I get that you are Vietnamese and were poor, but the rest seems unrelated to diversity

[bluepenguin]

I'm not sure that this qualifies as 'lighthearted.' What are you trying to say with this, exactly?

[CanadianWolf]

Not really light-hearted & not really a diversity statement. Rethink your approach to writing a law school DS.

[vdog]

I'm not sure that this qualifies as 'lighthearted.' What are you trying to say with this, exactly?

Because I grew up poor and my parents spoke little English, I spent a lot of my time helping them shop. These bargain-hunting trips, which were a big part of my American childhood, helped develop my character and life skills in interesting and tangible ways.

I don't know exactly how to say this more clearly, so any suggestions would be helpful.

[CanadianWolf]

You are quite clear. Unfortunately, it doesn't create a favorable impression, in my opinion. Broaden the topic to address how being poor affected other areas of your life.

[WannaGo]

Hi Vdog,

I understand the point you're trying to make and I think there are certain parts of your essay that paint the picture for the reader. However, I think you need to move away from some of your details and tell the reader exactly what they should be taking away for your DS(?).

“These bargain-hunting trips, which were a big part of my American childhood, helped develop my character and life skills in interesting and tangible ways.”

*This should be in your essay. It’s honest, it’s candid and it tells me exactly what I’m supposed to think. Start at this line, elaborate more and come back with a new draft.

You also have some grammar issues but it's still in the beginning stages. I would worry about that when you're closer to your final. Take another swing at it and if you want some more feedback from us, just let us know!

I hope this helps.

I'm not sure that this qualifies as 'lighthearted.' What are you trying to say with this, exactly?

Because I grew up poor and my parents spoke little English, I spent a lot of my time helping them shop. These bargain-hunting trips, which were a big part of my American childhood, helped develop my character and life skills in interesting and tangible ways.

I don't know exactly how to say this more clearly, so any suggestions would be helpful.