Personal Statement Draft please critique me or give advice ! Forum

[skarrysnowman]

I have been working on my personal statement for about a month, however, I have found myself frustrated and unsatisfied. I would greatly appreciate any input as to whether this draft is decent, or any areas where I can improve. Anything helps.

All my life I have been a fighter. Born with a father in prison and raised by a single immigrant mother, I learned to appreciate the value of hard work at an early age. As I experienced my mother struggle financially throughout my childhood, I aspired to provide a better life for us. Education subsequently became the medium for me to accomplish my goal, despite the many obstacles I would face throughout my life.

With ambition firm in my mind, I became more confident when I met my father at the age of six. Despite his absence in my younger years, I met him early enough to make a strong bond. A Green Beret and Vietnam Veteran, my father’s proactive attitude significantly impacted my personality. Spending occasional weekends with him and my half-siblings, I gained a sense of family along with invaluable morals and character traits. However, when he was sent to prison again during my freshman year of college, my disappointment led to a new direction in life.

During my spring semester of college, I received the dreadful phone call about my father’s incarceration. From that day on, I spent the next few years visiting him in three different prisons. I will never forget the first time I had to visit my father from behind a glass window; it was as if a scene from a movie had suddenly become real life. About a year later, I traveled to Los Angeles, California for my father’s trial and got the opportunity to meet an attorney for the first time. Intrigued by the American Judicial System, I became inspired to pursue a career as an attorney. I subsequently researched the various opportunities that one receives with a law degree, and felt confident that I made the right choice. Moreover, when my life brought about another change a few years later, my determination was drastically reinforced.

During my junior year of college, I was blessed with the birth of my daughter Rachel. Becoming a father at age nineteen, I realized that not only will I have to provide for my family, but I also have to give my daughter a father of whom she will be proud. Although I have been fortunate to have the support of my mother and stepfather, I have faced the challenges associated with becoming a parent and full-time student. As a single teenage father, my determination has never been so focused.

Now that my undergraduate career is coming to an end, I am eager to accept the challenge of attending law school. I am confident that the skills I have acquired through my studies of political science and accounting will be of great use throughout my law school career. Moreover, I believe the diversity of my studies will allow me to learn from multiple perspectives and get the most out of my legal education. By attending XXX, I would be able to take advantage of the highly acclaimed XXX program and utilize the local network that I have established. Most saliently however, I would be able to stay in XXX to raise my daughter, and give her the father that I never had. If I were accepted at XXX, I would be one step closer to pursuing my dream.

[rinkrat19]

It's very superficial, and is little more than a list of events accompanied by a few brief sentences stating that you experienced some emotion or other. Nothing is shown to the reader; everything is only told.

You have the potential for a good topic (or topics--it may need to be cut down to focus on one thing) but you need to describe and reflect and analyze in much more depth.

[Jsa725]

.

[skarrysnowman]

Thank you both for your replies. I am going to cut it down and revise it and see how it goes.