Any Feedback would be great! Thanks Forum

[ugobabe86]

DELETED

[ugobabe86]

I would like help editing and streamlining my personal statement.
THANK YOU

[richalvarez]

Hunger was killing me. Decorum, however, dictated that we wait until all the noted guests were present and seated; I was attending the South Carolina Fast-a-thon, hosted by the Muslim Student Association. Sitting at my table, sipping water and cordially engaging those around me, I noticed a small child with a smile that lit up the room. Her name was Salee, and she had lost both her legs to a missile attack that also deprived her of a brother and a cousin. We gathered to hear Salee’s story and the plight of thousands of children like her. Sadly, as is often the case, the children suffer most and her story served as a reminder of the high cost of war. Being raised in Nigeria, I was well aware of the corruption that ran rampant amid religious, ethnic and tribal divisions. Having witnessed firsthand the horrors of children being kidnapped for ransom, or used as objects for all manners of abuse. Yet, despite all she had been through, her smile remained. These experiences motivated me to go beyond abstract figures and facts (don’t see the purpose of this sentence). Salee was a perfect example of the violent outcome of armed conflicts. Something changed in me that day, I was no longer able to idly go about my life while knowing the dangers these children face in their daily lives.

I found an opportunity to be engaged and constructive as a court appointed advocate with C.A.S.A. of Richland. I worked with children dealing with abuse and neglect, finding ways to help them through counseling. My first case involved a young girl named Brianna, who struggled to deal with the emotional pains of her situation—which involved living with parents dealing with drug addiction and a mother who routinely stole Brianna’s social security checks.I was determined to be her voice, to represent her needs; however, I could not do it alone. It took a month and a half to gain her trust. Working with her, I recognized how critical professional advocacy is to the well-being of children, which has reaffirmed my decision to fight for their rights.

Through this I have gained an understanding that representing a cause goes beyond advocacy. I can identify with these kids and, thus, understand the value of acting on their behalf; that is, it is about seeing below the surface and understanding the value of the child. This has steered me towards law school, where I hope to go beyond the courtroom and become a voice that can effectively spark a change in the way children and individuals are treated.
The University of South Carolina School of Law provides a great combination of legal study and community service; two key features that attract me to the university. As an undergrad, I enjoyed being part of the Gamecock community; having always felt that I was part of a greater community of people. As a student I look forward to contributing my experiences as a court appointed advocate and my personal history to my fellow classmates. Also, to continue my role with C.A.S.A. which has close ties with the law school.

I also have had the pleasure of visiting Professor Martin C. McWilliams, Jr. sitting in on his Contracts I lecture; I felt welcomed by the students who spoke with me about their experiences and how much they love the environment. I will use my education to work for international children’s organizations in countries that need to implement better child laws and to one day influence the enforcement of policies. I do believe The University of South Carolina School of Law will provide me with the skills to be effective in my future career.

[ugobabe86]

@richalvarez: I really appreicate the help. Thanks.

[richalvarez]

No problem. It's still far from a finished product. You need to revise it a few more times and pass it on to someone with strong writing skills to proof read it for you. I did my best, but my background is in mathematics. I did realize that I missed the fact you capitalized "of" in the last sentence, which you should not do. Also, in the second paragraph change "routinely stole Brianna's social security checks" to "routinely stole her social security checks"