personal statement – 1st draft - any critiques/advice? Forum

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tundra

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personal statement – 1st draft - any critiques/advice?

Post by tundra » Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:29 pm

thank you! :)
Last edited by tundra on Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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jrthor10

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Re: personal statement – 1st draft - any critiques/advice?

Post by jrthor10 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:35 pm

I like the yoga theme, but too many things going on at once. You jump from your education to your mother, without much of a transition (unless I missed it). Also, in your last paragraph you said you "maybe: want to better the community as a whole? I found that a little off putting. If you want to improve the community, then say it. If not, then don't say it.
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DaftAndDirect

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Re: personal statement – 1st draft - any critiques/advice?

Post by DaftAndDirect » Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:37 pm

Yoga is a fitness craze that consists of flexible people doing intricate poses and chant chanting their way to good health.
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