Personal Statement - close to final? Please help! Forum

[postn0bills]

dee. lee. ted.

[BlueDiamond]

i dont totally get it to be honest.. i dont see how this transitions into law school success but maybe thats just my reading of it.. also the line about the environment and saving animals or whatever seemed really random

maybe i just missed the point.. but even if you dont change any of the substance there are some grammatical things you should clean up..

like this.. "As a woman, he justified, the Indian ideals dictated that I did not have the same freedoms as men.".. reads very poorly no matter how you divide the words up with commas

also dont use ten dolla words where one dollerz words will work.. get rid of tyrannical, etc.

anddd you have a lot of words left out where it would be helpful to the reader if they were in there.. "I lived in constant fear of my father, in anxious anticipation of the next time he would become incensed by my desire".. this sentence reads poorly to begin with and in my OPINION reads better as "next time THAT he would become"... the word that helps A LOT in A LOT of places

[postn0bills]

Blue... points taken. Thank you. I think I am going to try to tie in the message better in the conclusion -- I am trying to say that through overcoming this hardship I realized law is what I'd like to pursue to help others in the same way. Additionally, I am equipped through this experience with the perseverance necessary to succeed in law school. I agree that the volunteering point seems random, I think I am going to take it out.

I would love more thoughts on this from others as well. Thanks everyone!

[postn0bills]

Pwease?

[postn0bills]

Anyones?

[postn0bills]

no love? le doom.

[Moriarty]

I do think that your statement is close to final, with just a few nitpicks. I agree that the line about volunteering is out of place--the paragraph is strong enough on its own without.

You do a good job of tying things in--the statement has a nice pace and the progression to a legal career is wonderfully executed. Personally, I would leave your word choices as they are (buy hey, I am a linguaphile).

My suggestion is to vary up your sentence structure. You tend to write long sentences filled with commas, appositives, and the like; from a stylistic point of view, it would do you well to change up the game. This, of course, is by no means necessary.

HTH!

[postn0bills]

Moriarty, thank you for your thoughts! I definitely agree about varying the structural elements a bit, going to play around with it this weekend and hopefully finally send my apps out.