1st draft, please help Forum

[Bluewavesix]

[removed]

Please delete thread.

[Bluewavesix]

I realize that my PS isn't that great and needs some serious polish, but any comment or critisism would help and be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Master Tofu]

Why not polish it first and then ask for comments? While you do so, tone the negativity down a little; I get that you're trying to show growth but you don't need to leave such a strong bitter taste in the reader's mouth.

Also, I suggest you delete the first paragraph; don't tell the reader about things that don't pertain to you.

[Bluewavesix]

Why not polish it first and then ask for comments? While you do so, tone the negativity down a little; I get that you're trying to show growth but you don't need to leave such a strong bitter taste in the reader's mouth.

Also, I suggest you delete the first paragraph; don't tell the reader about things that don't pertain to you.

Point taken. I'll polish it up and repost. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't polishing something that shouldn't be polished. The reason the first paragraph is included is to give context as to why my business failed. It doesn't flow well because I added in the second paragraph later. Perhaps I should delete the second paragraph and include that one in my GPA addendum?