PS Please critique! Forum

[brittanythai]

I would really appreciate any critique on this. I feel it is kind of repetitive and wordy in some areas but am unsure of what to take out and/or move around. Any help would be awesome.

Above the noise coming from the drums, I count the beat in my head and anticipate the acoustic breakdown. To see an anxious crowd singing along to every word and moving to the music coming from my fingers is the adrenaline rush and feeling of satisfaction that every musician craves. Amidst this blur of sounds and flashing lights, in between speakers, cables, microphone stands, and beads of sweat, I pause for a minute and realize that this is the reason I am making music.

Music is the gateway that has broadened my outlook on the world around me. The people I have met, the relationships I have built, the shows I have played, and the songs I have written all play a part in my affinity for business and ultimately my desire to practice corporate law.

As I grew musically and received more exposure in the local music scene, the elements of the music industry eventually dictated the way I conducted myself as a musician. From humbling down to production companies and impressing booking agents to running promotions and engaging fans, my passion for music evolved into something more than just a hobby. It became businesslike. I realized the success of my band relied on much more than simply creating music and playing it in front of a few people—success meant creating an infectious sound and an image that could thrive in a cutthroat music industry.

While I reveled in the illustriousness of the music scene, my professional work drove my interest into business and entrepreneurship when I began an internship at a San Francisco-based web startup aimed at building a consolidated platform for musicians, venues, and fans to interact. The nature of the startup created a nurturing environment that encouraged me to apply my music background to business. The privilege of working directly with the CEO and Co-founders to build the startup from the very bottom instilled in me a sense of entrepreneurship that has continued to grow and expand to law. Through putting together business plans and executive summaries to performing extensive market research in targeted demographics and interacting with local businesses, I gained insight into the influence of law over business operations.

As a young college student, my interest in entrepreneurism and innovation only intensified when had the opportunity to work for a mobile and tablet app company that created a “second screen” app where television and movie viewers are given interactive tools synced to the program they are currently viewing. The fast pace and constantly changing environment was a daily challenge that fueled my motivation to take on curve balls and think quickly. Consequentially, while contributing to the growth of the company, I truly learned the value of hard work, quality output, and accountability as I saw concrete results from the extra time and work I put into various projects. I thrive under challenging conditions that force me to think fast on my feet, not only to find workable solutions but also creative solutions—an asset I believe is crucial to practicing law.

These combined experiences bridged the gap between my applied passion for music in business and interest corporate law. Though innovative business solutions has become a dynamic factor in my desire to practice law, my passion for business would not have been complete without the people I met in the music scene who have inspired me with the mentality to constantly strive for my ambitions. The process of starting a band from the bottom, writing and rewriting songs, creating and recreating our sound to ultimately gain acceptance in a saturated market has equipped me mentally and physically for the difficulties that arise in practicing law. The process of working and reworking songs, and struggling in the studio until sunrise to piece together intricate tracks to fashion complete songs has taught me to persevere in spite of adversity. The lessons that I absorbed from working in startups have not only contributed to myself as a person but have also motivated me to constantly network and seek out further opportunities in new business ventures.

And so my next pursuit aims at practicing corporate law. I believe that all of my life pursuits leading up to this moment have prepared me for law school and I have no other choice but to go all in with my chips. My Jesuit education at Santa Clara University has not only provided me with an exceptionally strong moral foundation but also the initiative to lead. While I earned a degree in Accounting, I want to reach beyond the realm of crunching numbers and determining whether accounts are fairly stated to apply my skills more widely by transforming my financial acuity into an applied expertise in corporate law. The synthesis of my constant exposure to Silicon Valley tech companies, San Francisco startups, and underpinnings of the music industry encourages me to strive for an entrepreneurial praxis rooted in corporate law. In pursuing law my purpose and adrenaline rush lies in the chance at being the legal catalyst that drives social progression in business.

[brittanythai]

c'monnnnn

[icecold3000]

This isnt terrible. In fact its pretty good. That said, here are some problems.

Music is the gateway that has broadened my outlook on the world around me. The people I have met, the relationships I have built, the shows I have played, and the songs I have written all play a part in my affinity for business and ultimately my desire to practice corporate law.

Wait a minute. What? Music made you want to practice corporate law? Although you do try to explain this in the next paragraphs, it is still a far stretch.

Paragraph four looks like a good place to make some cuts/edits. It struck me as fluff. Instead of stating "I gained insight into the influence of law over business operations," maybe you could show how.

Paragraph five, same as above. Show that you "truly learned the value of hard work . . . " instead of simply stating that you did.

The process of starting a band from the bottom, writing and rewriting songs, creating and recreating our sound to ultimately gain acceptance in a saturated market has equipped me mentally and physically for the difficulties that arise in practicing law

I believe that all of my life pursuits leading up to this moment have prepared me for law school and I have no other choice but to go all in with my chips

You write that, but I am not convinced. Why is it you want to go to law school and not continue with the music industry or entrepreneurship? Moreover, why corporate law?

[Master Tofu]

It sounds like you should go to business school.

[kublaikahn]

It sucks. The tie in to corporate law is forced and exaggerated. You would do better to say you are an interesting candidate that has experience tying your creative instincts to concrete business objectives.