Hey everyone, I'm in the early rough stages of my personal statement and was looking for some advice. I am trying to make sure I'm headed in the right direction. All comments welcome. Thanks!
Thanks for the comments, I am currently editing it and will post the new version soon.
Critique Needed on Personal Statement Forum
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khendel
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2011 11:52 am
Critique Needed on Personal Statement
Last edited by khendel on Fri Dec 23, 2011 10:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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CanadianWolf
- Posts: 11453
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Re: Critique Needed on Personal Statement
Delete the second paragraph. I only read a few other paragraphs. This is a very poorly done essay. Explain how music affected you instead of just telling.
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bmore
- Posts: 302
- Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:28 pm
Re: Critique Needed on Personal Statement
Sorry, I couldn't get through it.
The word "music" chaged you life?
Huh? "which made each obstacle I had encountered to have a greater meaning and purpose"
Again, huh? "but when I discovered music I felt alive inside for the first time " And this is next to a statement about how your life was unstable, not dead.
You keep saying how it changed your life but you offer no evidence.
"For the next year I battled myself trying" Who won????
The word "music" chaged you life?
Huh? "which made each obstacle I had encountered to have a greater meaning and purpose"
Again, huh? "but when I discovered music I felt alive inside for the first time " And this is next to a statement about how your life was unstable, not dead.
You keep saying how it changed your life but you offer no evidence.
"For the next year I battled myself trying" Who won????
