In reading the samples from the TLS Guide, I feel like I've lead an incredibly dull life

[Redacted for privacy/piracy reasons ARRRRG, MATEY!]
This paragraph, for example. If you were to instead discuss a time that you were a leader and then tie that back to a lesson your grandmother taught you, this would be a lot better. As is, most of the paragraph seems to be about her.Nancy_Botwin wrote: While I could have been content creating a suitable life with the education and work experience I had, my grandmother instilled within me a passion for excellence and the determination to never settle. No matter how great the challenge, if I truly wanted to achieve what others believed to be an impossible goal, she insisted that I could find a way to succeed. Through her teachings and my own personal experiences, I became a leader in both the academic and professional world. Working in a variety of fields and thriving in the classroom environment proved to be highly advantageous in augmenting my leadership abilities and my desire to become an attorney.
I really don't like this paragraph.Nancy_Botwin wrote:The only person who believed as strongly as I did that I could become a lawyer was gone. I knew I would not be the first person to cry in the Ricketson Law Building at the University of Denver. However, I left the building that had fostered me with care and edification with as much dignity as I could muster.
luxxe wrote:This focuses too much on your grandmother and seems to be a restatement of a resume. I like the idea of it, but I think it would be better if you were able to focus on one/a few things you did as an intern/grad student/whatever and tie it back to your grandmother's influence/desire to be a DA.
I would definitely not mention the middle school spelling bee or the high school yearbook, and it is pretty clear through this that you have had some great experiences AFTER high school - you need to highlight them more!This paragraph, for example. If you were to instead discuss a time that you were a leader and then tie that back to a lesson your grandmother taught you, this would be a lot better. As is, most of the paragraph seems to be about her.Nancy_Botwin wrote: While I could have been content creating a suitable life with the education and work experience I had, my grandmother instilled within me a passion for excellence and the determination to never settle. No matter how great the challenge, if I truly wanted to achieve what others believed to be an impossible goal, she insisted that I could find a way to succeed. Through her teachings and my own personal experiences, I became a leader in both the academic and professional world. Working in a variety of fields and thriving in the classroom environment proved to be highly advantageous in augmenting my leadership abilities and my desire to become an attorney.
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Thank you thank you! I really need honest feedback like thisCupidity wrote:I really don't like this paragraph.Nancy_Botwin wrote:The only person who believed as strongly as I did that I could become a lawyer was gone. I knew I would not be the first person to cry in the Ricketson Law Building at the University of Denver. However, I left the building that had fostered me with care and edification with as much dignity as I could muster.
Thank you so much! Your compliment really means a lot. My sister is a writer and compared to her work, I've always felt like a total amateurJasonR wrote:The good thing is that you write very well. For the most part, your prose is very clear and precise. The last sentences in paragraph 1 and 4 are the only ones that jump out as a bit clumsy and not quite up to the standards of the rest of your writing.
I'm too sleepy to give a full eval, but I agree with others that the PS focuses too much on your grandmother. You can still honor the profound influence she had on you while taking more ownership of your passions/motivations/goals. Six of your eight paragraphs -- and each of the first four -- involve references to your grandmother, and most of those are practically dominated by that discussion. That's terribly excessive. Paragraph 6 is the height of this excess, as the way you've written it makes it seem as though your grandmother is almost the real actor with you playing just a secondary role. Not trying to be harsh or insensitive, but that's a blunt statement of my impression.
You can explain your grandmother's influence on your life/development in a much more concise fashion in the beginning, focus more on your own passions and relevant experiences (not already thoroughly described in resume), and then relate something specific about yourself back to your grandmother's influence toward the end.