Having a hard time with my Personal Statement Forum

[luuma]

Thanks!

[soitgoes9]

I would cut the last paragraph, and get rid of the passive voice. If you cut it by 20% it would prob. feel stronger too.

[CanadianWolf]

CHANGE: "I have witnessed much legislation..." to " I have witnessed the effects of legislation...." or to "I have witnessed legislation that resulted in placing...."

DELETE: Both semi-colons as they are used incorrectly.

Deleting the final paragraph may increase the effectiveness of your essay while reducing repetition.

The second sentence is unclear since it can be interpreted : "Such access can be limited to certain people...."

[luuma]

Thank you both! I think you might be right about the last paragraph. But would the second to last paragraph suffice as a conclusion? How can I turn this into a 5 star? To me it's missing something, maybe the style of writing or the content or both. Ugh.

[BigA]

If that is a direct quote by Nietsche I'd use quotation marks. On second thought that actually sounds like a glorified cliche. You might just scrap it.

[luuma]

Thanks for the input! Yes, I've been debating whether or not I should go with Neitzche which is why I didn't want to quote him. But it is a huge cliche I'm going to have to think of ways to reword/redo that part.

[private_ryan]

i do think the last sentence of the 2nd to last paragraph can function as a conclusion

i think you really have some potential here. i've been stuck in your shoes many times.. i would take a day off from actual writing and just think about, out of all your experienes, what you would like the adcomm to know about you. also, you shouldnt worry about sob-story aspect as long as its heartfelt.

[luuma]

Thank you Private_Ryan, yes I took a day off, and I can see how that last paragraph sort of drags it on. Plus I was over the 2 page limit! I will definitely be looking into how to reformat the ending now.

[kublaikahn]

You seem like a good candidate, but this essay is poorly written. You identify your thesis in the opening as being about access to information, but the piece is about something else entirely. It seems this is a pure obstacles statement about rolling a stone up hill. And it seems you have the stone moving well now, which meets your mantra (although cliche) that when you are going through hell, keep going. rewrite your opening and conclusion in a way that direct the reader to your point. You have done well despite the circumstances.

Also, school zoning and air quality are not simple issues. They are complex, political, and nearly intractable. Also, that sentence is grammatically incorrect.

It does not serve you to use big words like epiphany in concert with poorly worded sentences like "At that point is when I began to realize that I could either succumb and fall victim to my environment, or I could continue to strive hard to pull myself out the toxic cycle that many adapted to because they could not pull themselves out of." Use the active voice and make these sentences read better. Try something like, "Through my progress in counseling, I began to understand I had a choice: to succumb to my environment and become a part of it forever, or keep striving in the hopes that I would find a way out."

[luuma]

Thank you kublaikahn. It is a very rough rough draft. I greatly appreciate your input, that is exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you, thank you. I will go back into the quality of writing. I will definitely take these suggestions into consideration as I continue editing my statement. I have been torn between the cliche of adversities and going into the topic of access to information. I will also better reword the sentence about air quality/school zoning regulations. All great points, that I needed someone with an objective perspective to point out for me.

Best.