Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay? Forum

[SoPro]

Something like this...

"While XXX is my number once choice, I have chosen not to ED. Though by attending XXX I would have the luxury of paying in-state tuition, it would be financially irresponsible to be committed to XXX when I am aware that a less costly offer is likely to surface. Nevertheless, I am (reaffirm commitment to XXX)."


I feel dirty writing it, but I am extremely debt averse. Any thoughts? Also, this occurs after several strong and legitimate reasons why X is my number one choice and the ideal school for me.

[somewherewarm]

If it were my "Why X" I would just leave the part about EDing out. I think schools understand that even though they may be a student's number one choice, some students decide to apply to other schools in hopes of minimizing debt. However, you may want to wait for a few more responses until making your final decision about this sentence, I could see this being a sticky issue.

[Tom Joad]

I don't think you even need to bring up EDing in your Why X statement. Schools should understand that applicants might want to apply to many schools and that doesn't make an applicant disingenuous if they have a top choice and don't ED.

[fanellex]

Also learn about passive voice.

[Dany]

Just take out the sentence entirely.

[crazyblink653]

Also learn about passive voice.

+1. although i'm not sure it matters here, since i would advise you just take the entire sentence out. it comes off as kind of insincere and even a bit arrogant. that could just be me, though.

[SoPro]

Also learn about passive voice.

Great link. At times, it plagues my writing.

[Perdevise]

Also learn about passive voice.

Great link. At times, it plagues my writing.

You mean, at times your writing is plagued with it.