Final Draft REVISED - Need Feedback Forum

[hadisious]

Here is my revised final draft based on TLS suggestions. Looking forward to seeing what you all think. Please feel free to be honest in your critique. I'm especially curious to see what people think of the two bolded phrases, I'm not sure whether they work or not. Thanks!

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[CanadianWolf]

Consider deleting or modifying the last five (5) sentences of the final paragraph.

[hadisious]

What happened ? Seems as if your earlier drafts were better. Consider deleting the last five (5) sentences of the final paragraph.

Thanks for the reply, CanadianWolf. I liked my original draft, too! I just tried to add a few details that people seemed to think were missing.

Overall, this kind of worries me because that was pretty similar to my earlier draft. Below is what I had prior to the revision. Should I scrap everything and just go with this? Thanks again. (It has 3 of the 5 lines you recommended deleting)

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[CanadianWolf]

Consider deleting the last three (3) sentences (especially the illogical swimming sentence).

[Trex]

I like your writing style, especially the first sentence, i agree with CW about the swimming sentence. It's a good analogy, but it's an unnecessary analogy in this context.

[AncientMarinade]

I'm just now writing my statement, so take this with a grain of salt...
I like the writing style a lot, bur it seems kinda like "hard knock life, hard knock life, made me awesome, eehhhh, oh yeah, law school!" I would maybe try to intertwine your background a bit more with your future? How is your independence going to kick ass later on, how will your empathy help?

[hadisious]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciate the advice and I'll definitely be making some revisions.

[hadisious]

Alright I made some changes to the last paragraph. Nothing crazy, but I would love to hear some opinions.

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[FryBreadPower]

Alright I made some changes to the last paragraph. Nothing crazy, but I would love to hear some opinions.

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Navigating the uncomfortable circumstances of my life has been difficult at times, and losing a relationship because of my religion is unlikely to be the last occurrence. But I am ok with that; in fact, I embrace it. I firmly believe that success in life is about proving yourself when things do not go your way. It is this mindset that encourages me to stick my neck out for others and work to overcome life’s obstacles rather than move around them. I know my skill set along with my resolve to help those in need will serve me well in the study of law, and I am confident that the legal profession will offer me many more illuminating experiences to learn from as I continue my life’s education.

Bolded sounds awkward to me because "last occurrence" doesn't seem to have a connected phrase. I obviously know what you mean but it sounds a bit awkward. Don't you mean, it is unlikely this relationship will be the last that I lose because of my religion? I think "last occurrence" can't come at the end of the sentence.

[kublaikahn]

I know I have the skillset and the drive to be successful in the profession of law,

I hear many students say this about themselves around here--right after they got a bad mark on a test or paper. Everybody has this.

and I am confident that it will offer me many more illuminating experiences to learn from as I continue my life’s education.

This is the problem with the passive voice. Is your drive the agent of action here, or is that you?

[kublaikahn]

Alright I made some changes to the last paragraph. Nothing crazy, but I would love to hear some opinions.

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Navigating the uncomfortable circumstances of my life has been difficult at times, and losing a relationship because of my religion is unlikely to be the last occurrence. But I am ok with that; in fact, I embrace it. I firmly believe that success in life is about proving yourself when things do not go your way. It is this mindset that encourages me to stick my neck out for others and work to overcome life’s obstacles rather than move around them. I know my skill set along with my resolve to help those in need will serve me well in the study of law, and I am confident that the legal profession will offer me many more illuminating experiences to learn from as I continue my life’s education.

I know the hurt of losing a loving relationship because of what I am, rather than who I am. Yet I struggled through uncomfortable circumstances and found an unconventional place to thrive. I embrace life's challenges because I believe success is often about rising above what ails you and I know I will encounter tough challenges again. I have grown in a confidence and a resolve that may not be mine but for the disappointments I have endured. I have learned to judge each situation anew and remain open to the good. The legal profession offers me an opportunity to turn my trials into triumph by finding others, no matter their circumstances, and helping them learn and thrive.