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[pugilistjd]

This is a rough draft I just pooted out. The overarching metaphor I try to establish at the end, I think, might be too weak. All thoughts are much appreciated and I'll try not to make a fight with you about them, even if they hurt my poor wittle feewings.
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Deleted. Switching topics.

[crumpetsandtea]

Okay, I'm sorry but I didn't read the whole thing. Your PS isn't meant to be your life story, bro. This is not a good premise for a PS, nor is it well executed (I made this face - - at the 'fast forward' you used). TBH, it's kind of boring (nothing you say in the first half differs from the typical childhood experience or makes you seem unique in any way) and half of it tells admissions committees nothing about who you are today. Who cares what you were like as a kid (unless you had some traumatic/uberunique experience)?

I skimmed the second half and I think you'd be better off cutting the first half completely and starting with your discussion about dropping out of high school. DO NOT spend too long discussing this--one paragraph MAX. spend the rest of the time describing A SINGLE TOPIC (not your whole life and every single thing you ever did that might even remotely be related to your future or education) and how that single topic contributes to your ability to be a good attorney or law student. Right now even the second half is pretty bad -- it reads like a really uneventful autobiography, or a resume put in paragraph form.

OR, even better, scrap this entirely and create a cohesive topic that won't make you seem like 1 of 1,000,000,000,000,000 people who didn't do well when they were younger and then had an ~epiphany~ and realized they wanted to apply themselves and go to law school for reasons that they're not even entirely sure of.

Law schools don't want a life story--they want one concise, well-written, easy-to-understand 2 page paper that encompasses why you're a good candidate.

[Justdoingmybest]

It all started when I was three years old: I received a set of GI-Joe walkie-talkies for Chanukah. After just one day, I became bored with my new toy and decided to to take them apart, piece-by-piece. I wanted to know what made a walkie-talkie function. I was instead left with a rat's nest of computer chips, wires, and broken camouflaged plastic.

Fast-forward nine years later: (Find a better transition. You could just say “Nine years later…”)

"Jonathan! Get out of the bed!"

My mother had purchased a loft bed for me when I was eight years old. I was twelve now and hiding on the back end of the mattress.(I do not see the use of the first 2 sentences, we already know you are twelve) It was time to go to school and I had yet again chosen to abstain. The structure was too small for my mother to climb, so she swiped angrily at my foot that was just out of her reach. (At this point, I feel like this topic is not going to work. You are taking too long to make a point and the earlier part of you life isn’t described in such a way that it helps your application)

"You have to go to school, Jonathan!" She yelled with a searing pain in her voice. The most I could muster in reply was a murmured "no." After an hour of trying to get her deliquent son to school, her face was flushed and covered with sweat. She glared deep into my eyes. I could feel her disappointment saturating me. She left the room only to return with a wrench and phillips-head screwdriver. My mother proceeded to take apart the bed with me still sitting suspended six feet from the floor. The mattress and bed frame began to fall and I slid off the mattress.

That was the only time my mother has laid a hand on me and I can hardly blame her. She worked hard to make sure my sister and I could lead healthy, productive lives. As a single mom struggling to keep employment, that was no easy task. It wasn't that I wasn't aware of the importance of getting an education. After all, that was a basic assumption of attending public school. Education was supposed to be the key to a successful future. I, on the other hand, have never been satisfied to do something just because someone told me I ought to; I had to be shown or, even better, experience first-hand why I ought to follow orders. As a result, I have always learned my lessons the hard way, by challenging assumptions, testing boundaries and figuring things out for myself.
(Summarize or cut this out)
At sixteen years old, my attitude towards education hadn't changed. After accumulating a vacuum of lost credits from skipping class, I decided to drop out of high school. My parents and school officials told me that my future was destined for failure. Instead, I passed the high school equivalency test and started college a year earlier than my peers. (You might want to start your PS from here)

However, I was not fully convinced that a college education was necessary for a stable, successful life: a claim that had been seared into my mind for as long as I could remember. While teetering back and forth between professional and academic spheres, I decided to work full-time at a local animal shelter: a job that led to an opportunity in client care at the largest animal hospital in DC. I climbed the ranks quickly and within two years became the youngest client care supervisor in hospital history: a position where I found myself, without a bachelor’s degree, managing employees who were recent college graduates. (In this paragraph you are switching topics, you might want to choose one)



Once I had exhausted opportunities for growth within the hospital, I decided at the age of twenty-three to finish my undergraduate degree for the sole purpose of applying to law school thereafter (WHY). However, I was not about to lose touch with the professional world where I had thrived. Some who had tried and failed to balance work with school said I would burn out within the year. Despite their cynicism, I chose to keep a full-time position at the hospital working overnights on weekends, so that I would have time to study during the week. Two years and sixty credits later, I have achieved again when others told me I couldn’t.

I am the first to admit that my decisions have not been ideal. Some of them were exceedingly risky and others downright destructive. What I have learned, however, is the following: it is important to challenge, to critique, to rebel against norms when you are simply given question-begging reasons to follow them. However, by choosing this path, you are solely responsible for finding the better alternative, a more righteous way of life. In the later part of my life, I believe I followed a path that has, in part, prepared me for the study of law. In a way, all lawyers possess the tools to take apart the law like I did my Chanukah toy in 1989 (This analogy is not good). But instead of being left with an unintelligible mess, the best lawyers are also equipped with the tools to create better laws and ways of governing. The latter set of tools I have demonstrated during my professional and later academic career (you haven’t shown that u possess these tools in your PS). XXXXXLS gives me the greatest and most rich opportunity for bringing those tools into real practice.

This needs more work

I feel like you should focus on one thing and talk about it. Sometimes it feels like you are all over the place.You also need to work on your organization. Also this piece was not executed properly. You need a better start, your beginning does not grab the reader and you need to work on making it much more captivating.

GOOD LUCK!!

[pugilistjd]

Okay, I'm sorry but I didn't read the whole thing. Your PS isn't meant to be your life story, bro. This is not a good premise for a PS, nor is it well executed (I made this face - - at the 'fast forward' you used). TBH, it's kind of boring (nothing you say in the first half differs from the typical childhood experience or makes you seem unique in any way) and half of it tells admissions committees nothing about who you are today. Who cares what you were like as a kid (unless you had some traumatic/uberunique experience)?

I skimmed the second half and I think you'd be better off cutting the first half completely and starting with your discussion about dropping out of high school. DO NOT spend too long discussing this--one paragraph MAX. spend the rest of the time describing A SINGLE TOPIC (not your whole life and every single thing you ever did that might even remotely be related to your future or education) and how that single topic contributes to your ability to be a good attorney or law student. Right now even the second half is pretty bad -- it reads like a really uneventful autobiography, or a resume put in paragraph form.

OR, even better, scrap this entirely and create a cohesive topic that won't make you seem like 1 of 1,000,000,000,000,000 people who didn't do well when they were younger and then had an ~epiphany~ and realized they wanted to apply themselves and go to law school for reasons that they're not even entirely sure of.

Law schools don't want a life story--they want one concise, well-written, easy-to-understand 2 page paper that encompasses why you're a good candidate.

Ok, I like some of what you said. But, just for shits and giggles, actually read the WHOLE PS and not two sentences. Then tell me if you actually can name anyone you know with my life story. Here's a hint: you don't.

[crumpetsandtea]

Ok, I like some of what you said. But, just for shits and giggles, actually read the WHOLE PS and not two sentences. Then tell me if you actually can name anyone you know with my life story. Here's a hint: you don't.

I read up through your college experience then skimmed the rest. I may not know someone with the exact same life (after all, no one has the exact same life as anyone else) but I know pleeeennnty of people with your general story. In fact, my boss is someone who fits the general storyline of your life. Like I said, you need to pick ONE THING to talk about, not try to fit your entire 20+ years of living into 2 pages. Adcomms read probably over 100 of these a day. They're not going to be poring over every sentence. They're going to skim, and if nothing catches their eye, they're going to move on.

Now, tell me if you think adcomms will really give a shit about your entire life from childhood to present. Here's a hint: they don't.

ETA: sorry if I'm being harsh, bro, but I'm trying to help you write an effective PS.

[salsahips]

I definitely agree with the above post. Honestly, I can't even see why you seem so confident that your story is unique, it actually come across as very stereotypical. Single mom - struggling, motivated young man working his ass off to prove it to himself (and maybe his doubters?). I don't know, nothing seems that special, at least not yet. You have a good start, but it needs to focus. Pick one or two topics and expand on them. What did dropping out and graduating early teach you? What lessons/skills did you learn from your college-while-working experience?

Most importantly in my opinion - what the hell do we care that you climbed the ranks at the animal shelter faster than anyone in history? What the hell is a "client care supervisor," for all I know that is an easy job. Talk more about this experience.

Also, your essay seems a little disjointed. I see you trying to tie in the common thread of doing things your way and taking life as its handed to you, but you need to be more clear about that. You have a really good start, but it needs a lot of refining.

[Curious1]

I'm sorry, but this was horribly boring. Your scam blog themed PS was actually better.

Like everyone else said, write about ONE COMPELLING INCIDENCE. If you don't have any...it's sometimes OK to embellish a bit. If you still can't find anything, you're not trying hard enough.

[pugilistjd]

I'm sorry, but this was horribly boring. Your scam blog themed PS was actually better.

Like everyone else said, write about ONE COMPELLING INCIDENCE. If you don't have any...it's sometimes OK to embellish a bit. If you still can't find anything, you're not trying hard enough.

Would it be too much to link together two compelling incidents that have a very common theme?

[HBK]

Ok, I like some of what you said. But, just for shits and giggles, actually read the WHOLE PS and not two sentences. Then tell me if you actually can name anyone you know with my life story. Here's a hint: you don't.

I read up through your college experience then skimmed the rest. I may not know someone with the exact same life (after all, no one has the exact same life as anyone else) but I know pleeeennnty of people with your general story. In fact, my boss is someone who fits the general storyline of your life. Like I said, you need to pick ONE THING to talk about, not try to fit your entire 20+ years of living into 2 pages. Adcomms read probably over 100 of these a day. They're not going to be poring over every sentence. They're going to skim, and if nothing catches their eye, they're going to move on.

Now, tell me if you think adcomms will really give a shit about your entire life from childhood to present. Here's a hint: they don't.

ETA: sorry if I'm being harsh, bro, but I'm trying to help you write an effective PS.

Your PS reads to me like this: "I've been a slacker my entire life. I dropped out of high school, I dropped out of college, but things are totally different now, because I finished undergrad and got a middle management position at an animal hospital. Now I want to go to law school, but I probably won't drop out of that."

Also, there are a lot of people who work full time and put themselves through school. In fact, there are going to be a number of applicants this cycle who did this with kids in tow. Maybe briefly summarize your failures, then explain how working at the animal hospital or whatever actually changed you for the better. Your experiences are not special. How they shaped you or prepared you for law school is what's interesting.

[pugilistjd]

x

[pugilistjd]

Here's something else I want to point out that should be obvious. The vast majority of people who apply to law school are the following:
- Between 22-25
- upper-middle class or upper-class
- have had internships but no real work experience or significant responsibility on the job
- did not work full-time at job with said responsibility during school

Am I wrong?

I'll bet most of those who come to this website fit all of these criteria. I'll even wager that most people who have posted here do as well. I do not fit any of them. I am *cough* a non-traditional student. That doesn't make me the only person with my set of challenges, but it makes me stand out in this cycle. Criticizing me for emphasizing that is like criticizing an Asian for writing a PS about their race because they aren't a URM. Just stop it.

As for everything else that has been said, I'm taking notes and appreciate the feedback. Sorry for the rant.

[Curious1]

I'm sorry, but this was horribly boring. Your scam blog themed PS was actually better.

Like everyone else said, write about ONE COMPELLING INCIDENCE. If you don't have any...it's sometimes OK to embellish a bit. If you still can't find anything, you're not trying hard enough.

Would it be too much to link together two compelling incidents that have a very common theme?

That's fine, but do you really think you can do both justice in 2 pages? I tried something like that at first but decided to go with one. But you can potentially make 2 work I think. Write it and post it.

[Justdoingmybest]

Your PS reads to me like this: "I've been a slacker my entire life. I dropped out of high school, I dropped out of college, but things are totally different now, because I finished undergrad and got a middle management position at an animal hospital. Now I want to go to law school, but I probably won't drop out of that."

I can't wait to meet people like you in law school. Try working 40 hours a week on overnights while taking a full course load. Maybe, I should write about how I've had to overcome the stereotype of a high school drop-out thanks to bigoted assholes like you. Thanks for the inspiration.

We are not all on some pedestal judging you, take the criticism. I had to start my PS over 5 times because of the comments I got from TLS. These comments helped me write a stronger statement. People are really trying to help. Take the advice, go back to the drawing board and put in work. I hope your next draft is great, but if it isn't, it just means there is more opportunity to make your PS better. Good Luck!!

[lrslayer]

Your PS reads to me like this: "I've been a slacker my entire life. I dropped out of high school, I dropped out of college, but things are totally different now, because I finished undergrad and got a middle management position at an animal hospital. Now I want to go to law school, but I probably won't drop out of that."

I can't wait to meet people like you in law school. Try working 40 hours a week on overnights while taking a full course load. Maybe, I should write about how I've had to overcome the stereotype of a high school drop-out thanks to bigoted assholes like you. Thanks for the inspiration.

actually, that doesnt sound like a bad idea

[danielhay11]

We are not all on some pedestal judging you, take the criticism. I had to start my PS over 5 times because of the comments I got from TLS. These comments helped me write a stronger statement. People are really trying to help. Take the advice, go back to the drawing board and put in work. I hope your next draft is great, but if it isn't, it just means there is more opportunity to make your PS better. Good Luck!!

Couldn't agree more. It sounds like you have a compelling life story and it would be a shame if you didn't submit a compelling PS. That's the point of this criticism, not discounting your non-traditional status. If we - people who are probably in the same boat (recent or current LS applicants) and can easily commiserate - are coming off with a negative impression, imagine how much more so an admissions officer (who is paid to be judgmental and has 1,000 other files like yours but without the baggage) will be turned off by this PS.

A PS that discusses a failure/shortcoming that was a turnaround point can be powerful and effective; apologizing for a lifelong habit of impulsiveness and quitting raises far more questions than it answers. This reads like a "Character and Fitness" addendum, not a PS. Is what you mentioned reflected in your academic record? Then by all means submit an addendum - shorten this down, emphasize your strengths and personal growth, and show that the flaws in your record are not reflective of your potential as a law student. If not, then there's no reason to mention it anywhere. Alternatively, consider making this a DS - how being a high school dropout who persisted to get his bachelor's will give you a unique perspective.

Finally, if nothing else, make this correction: it's spelled "blame," not "blaim." Nothing will turn off an adcom like simple grammatical and spelling errors.

[iowalum]

I'll bet most of those who come to this website fit all of these criteria. I'll even wager that most people who have posted here do as well. I do not fit any of them. I am *cough* a non-traditional student. That doesn't make me the only person with my set of challenges, but it makes me stand out in this cycle. Criticizing me for emphasizing that is like criticizing an Asian for writing a PS about their race because they aren't a URM. Just stop it.

As for everything else that has been said, I'm taking notes and appreciate the feedback. Sorry for the rant.

Look, you're not that special. Stop playing the over-dramatic tough-childhood card and listen to the criticism like you said you would (they're trying to help)

The first part of your PS makes you sound like a brat. The interesting part comes with your work at the animal clinic - elaborate on that and make THAT your focus. Why did that change you? Was there someone who influenced you? A particular case/patient? Make it a story and not a play-by-play of your drop-outs. The last paragraph is better, but if that's the point you're trying to make, emphasize the point in your life that got you there.

[BEAST_mode]

Your PS reads to me like this: "I've been a slacker my entire life. I dropped out of high school, I dropped out of college, but things are totally different now, because I finished undergrad and got a middle management position at an animal hospital. Now I want to go to law school, but I probably won't drop out of that."

I can't wait to meet people like you in law school. Try working 40 hours a week on overnights while taking a full course load. Maybe, I should write about how I've had to overcome the stereotype of a high school drop-out thanks to bigoted assholes like you. Thanks for the inspiration.

actually, that doesnt sound like a bad idea

+1. Start over. While the above response is harsh, it is somewhat credited. You've obviously had a tough, but many others have had it much, much worse. Trying to compete in the "my life was harder than yours" personal statement pool is unwise. Still, A strong narrative about the consequences of being a high school drop could actually be quite compelling if written well enough. Not a "look at all the shit I've done even though I dropped out" type statement, but an "I actually learned something valuable from dropping out that has helped me mature" type statement. Remember, no pity parties, though. Good luck!

[pugilistjd]

I may make this into a separate post. Here are two stories that I think might be worth building a PS around, either together or on their own:

(1) "You're not getting away this time..."
The cab driver locked the doors. I was trapped, unable to access an ATM to withdraw the money for fare. Apparently, I looked like someone who had reneged on him two days earlier.

"Look, I don't know who you think I am," I stuttered. "But I need to get to work." I was running late for my overnight shift: a job that had put me through the greater half of my college career.
"No," he snapped back. "I'm calling the police."
While he punched the digits into his phone, I quickly unlocked the door and absconded to a nearby convenience store. When I came out with a twenty dollar bill, he was half-way through filing a report with the local police.

"He's white, wearing a white shirt, and jeans." I gave him the twenty and stormed off.

That night, I couldn't shake what had happened. Had I been falsely imprisoned? Could a cab driver hold anyone they deemed suspicious? I had a feeling of powerlessness. Even if what he did had been illegal, I lacked the time, energy, and money to pursue any recourse.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
(2) I had felt the same powerlessness a year earlier.

I was supervising a team of seven employees in the client service division of the largest animal hospital in DC. One of my employees was a forty year old man named XXXX Lee. He preferred to be called by last name per his military experience; Multiple tours in both Iraq Wars had left an indelible impact but he looked surprising young for his age. Lee was a father of two children who had been without their father for a good part of their childhood. Fortunately, he had recently been given weekends off: the only time Lee was able to his children. That was until a new manager named Brad took over and switched him back.

My shift was well-staffed on weekends. No additional help was needed. I was baffled, but I knew I couldn't be idle. So, I went to bat for Lee. I asked Brad to imagine how demoralizing it would be for a two-time war veteran to be cut off yet again from the ones he loved. I explained how unnecessary the move was considering the destructive effect it carried. My plea was met bluntly.
"Lee stays on weekends," Brad said without flinching.
"Your job is to enforce my decisions. Know your place."

There was no one higher than Brad that could listen to my appeal. I was again left powerless, without recourse for what I knew had been a clear injustice.

[ClarDarr]

Honestly, I read your whole ps and was just completely convinced of three things:

1. You think youve had it really hard, and you want people to know it
2. You're sort of flaky
3. You don't organize well.

I bet you're probably not those things in real life. I bet youre wonderful. But my negative takeaway and the near unanimous takeaway of everybody else should tell you something. Pick 1 or 2 events in your life and connect them to why you want to go to law school. Your tone should be humble, but confident.

[HBK]

Your PS reads to me like this: "I've been a slacker my entire life. I dropped out of high school, I dropped out of college, but things are totally different now, because I finished undergrad and got a middle management position at an animal hospital. Now I want to go to law school, but I probably won't drop out of that."

I can't wait to meet people like you in law school. Try working 40 hours a week on overnights while taking a full course load. Maybe, I should write about how I've had to overcome the stereotype of a high school drop-out thanks to bigoted assholes like you. Thanks for the inspiration.

Yeah, been there, done that. I was also a nontraditional applicant, was not upper middle class or upper class, worked and paid my whole way through undergrad, and rose through the ranks to a senior management position at a medium sized finance company while taking a full course load. They get lots of applications from people who worked through school and/or have careers prior to law school. They get applications from people who risked their lives serving in the military. Your story is neither as unique and nor as "hard-luck" as what they get on a regular basis.

You may also want to reconsider your hook. The first paragraph doesn't draw the reader into your story. That's probably why some of the posters did not read your whole draft and why others skimmed it. You have to consider that the admissions people read dozens of these a day. If a TLS poster can lose interest within the first couple paragraphs, what do you think an admissions person would do with it?

If you're curious, my PS was about a very personal moment in my life where I realized that I wanted to return to school, why I wanted to go to law school, and I briefly discussed how my career prepared me both for law school and a career in law. I really didn't even think mine was great, but after nine drafts I realized it wasn't going to get much better.

If you want to write about overcoming the stereotype, that's one thing. That would be more unique than what you wrote. However, your current draft misses this mark and reads as I described. I think the meat of your story should be how you matured or what made you want to go to law school. That's the part that's unique to you.

Also, calm the hell down. You ask for criticism, then get all defensive when you receive it.

[pugilistjd]

Your PS reads to me like this: "I've been a slacker my entire life. I dropped out of high school, I dropped out of college, but things are totally different now, because I finished undergrad and got a middle management position at an animal hospital. Now I want to go to law school, but I probably won't drop out of that."

I can't wait to meet people like you in law school. Try working 40 hours a week on overnights while taking a full course load. Maybe, I should write about how I've had to overcome the stereotype of a high school drop-out thanks to bigoted assholes like you. Thanks for the inspiration.

Yeah, been there, done that. I was also a nontraditional applicant, was not upper middle class or upper class, worked and paid my whole way through undergrad, and rose through the ranks to a senior management position at a medium sized finance company while taking a full course load. They get lots of applications from people who worked through school and/or have careers prior to law school. They get applications from people who risked their lives serving in the military. Your story is neither as unique and nor as "hard-luck" as what they get on a regular basis.

You may also want to reconsider your hook. The first paragraph doesn't draw the reader into your story. That's probably why some of the posters did not read your whole draft and why others skimmed it. You have to consider that the admissions people read dozens of these a day. If a TLS poster can lose interest within the first couple paragraphs, what do you think an admissions person would do with it?

If you're curious, my PS was about a very personal moment in my life where I realized that I wanted to return to school, why I wanted to go to law school, and I briefly discussed how my career prepared me both for law school and a career in law. I really didn't even think mine was great, but after nine drafts I realized it wasn't going to get much better.

If you want to write about overcoming the stereotype, that's one thing. That would be more unique than what you wrote. However, your current draft misses this mark and reads as I described. I think the meat of your story should be how you matured or what made you want to go to law school. That's the part that's unique to you.

Also, calm the hell down. You ask for criticism, then get all defensive when you receive it.

HBK finds some way to rephrase in 3 paragraphs what he already said in 1 while adding in non-representative example of having witnessed the application process at a no-name financial firm. Cool story bro.

[crumpetsandtea]

I find it amusing that OP got all defensive that HBK was 'stereotyping' him, and it turns out it was actually OP stereotying HBK. Learn to take criticism or don't ask for it, OP.

[pugilistjd]

I find it amusing that OP got all defensive that HBK was 'stereotyping' him, and it turns out it was actually OP stereotying HBK. Learn to take criticism or don't ask for it, OP.

How? Also, you acknowledge that his response was bigoted. I responded to said bigotry and had no problem with his legit criticism. So, what's the problem, buddy?

[weatherswaysme]

Also, calm the hell down. You ask for criticism, then get all defensive when you receive it.

+1

[kwais]

Your PS reads to me like this: "I've been a slacker my entire life. I dropped out of high school, I dropped out of college, but things are totally different now, because I finished undergrad and got a middle management position at an animal hospital. Now I want to go to law school, but I probably won't drop out of that."

I can't wait to meet people like you in law school. Try working 40 hours a week on overnights while taking a full course load. Maybe, I should write about how I've had to overcome the stereotype of a high school drop-out thanks to bigoted assholes like you. Thanks for the inspiration.

1) you don't know what bigoted means (but you sure do like to use it)
2) your story is not that special
3) remove that chip from your shoulder before you enter law school. It will not help you.
4) If you actually are interested in taking responsibility for the choices you made (as you claim), you cannot try to browbeat people into thinking that you are some sort of stunning success story. Some people dropped out of school because their parent got cancer or because they wanted to join the military. You dropped out because you were lazy. The fact that you have turned it around is cool, but you are not extreme makeover home edition material