Personal Statement draft #3. Help Please! Forum

[sumtimesuwonder]

Major concern: is the statement too dramatic
All other comments also welcome. Thank you for reading!

My adult life began the day my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Prior to this tragic event, I was a kid. I was immature, irresponsible, and without motivation. My life had yet to find purpose or meaning. My mother’s illness was the catalyst that provided me with the direction that I had previously lacked. It placed me into situations that had serious consequences, and I could no longer step aside like a child. It was under these conditions that I developed the responsibility of an adult, and the direction toward a future career in law. The story of my development begins with my father breaking the news to me over the phone.

“Ryan, your mother has a tumor in her stomach and she’s going to need surgery.” It was shocking news, considering she seemed so healthy only a week before. It made me acknowledge the possibility of a future without my mother. She had always been there, acting as the safety net that would catch me when I would fall. The thought of her loss left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. Also, the threat of having to interrupt my education suddenly seemed very real. I knew that there would be pressure on me to accept a considerable amount of responsibility in caring for my mother, and I was not sure I was up to the task. It would mean making the 3 ½ hour journey home very often, frequently on a moment’s notice, and taking on a more prominent role within the fabric of my family. It was a difficult adjustment to make as a 19 year old who was used to being cared for. All of a sudden, I was the one doing the caring. The attempt at nursing my mother back to health allowed me to mature on a level I had never experienced before, fostering the development that would turn me into a driven prospective law student.

Needless to say, it was difficult to succeed scholastically while dealing with my mother’s illness. I learned how to cope by immersing myself in my schoolwork. It served as a distraction from the problems I was experiencing back at home, and validated my desire to succeed in order to justify my continued presence at school. I did not want to be looked at by my family as if I was wasting my time away from home, considering I could be tending to my mother. For this reason, I learned to take great pride in academic accomplishment. During my freshman year of college, I was just going through the motions, hoping to end up with a degree. Now, driven by the newfound pride I had in my work, I had discovered my true potential as a student. I have been able to take this potential and translate it into continued success, thanks to the motivation I found through the adversity I faced.

My employment during the summers when my mother was sick comprised another important piece of my maturation process. I worked at an imaging center called Viewmont Medical Services. While there, I was responsible for tending to patients basic needs, as well as preparing them for their procedures. My experience at Viewmont allowed me to meet a wide variety of people, some of whom I developed relationships with. I noticed a pattern amongst those who were recovering from their illnesses. The patients who seemed to be improving had maintained an air of positivity about them. It was this positivity that helped them through their tough time. It was an attitude that influenced me as time went on. It kept me confident in my future, both without my mother and as a prospective law student. A positive attitude is what has kept me vigilant in seeking a career in law, despite possibly grim job prospects. The obstacles thatI have overcome have provided me with the self-confidence I need to continue to achieve my goals. I trust that I will succeed in the competitive environment that comes with a career in law. Just like the patients at Viewmont, I will persevere.

My mother eventually passed away in March of 2011, only a year and a half after her diagnosis. A void has been left behind within my extended family, considering that my mother was an important leader within the group. Her tough love and strong will acted as an emotional backbone for my aunts, uncles, and grandmother. After her passing, many of my family members did not know where to turn to for strength. I believe that I have been able to fill this role, providing emotional support to those who have lost their rock. Two years ago, I would not have been capable of such an undertaking. My ability to move on with life has given my relatives a model of how to proceed with their own lives. I am often asked how I have been able to adjust so quickly. My answer is always the same. I believe that setting a goal, and working toward it is the best way to deal with adversity. Every obstacle faced is only a temporary hindrance. Law school is only the next obstacle I have to conquer, and I believe that the adversity I have overcome has prepared me for whatever the future may bring. The maturity, responsibility, and strength that I have developed over the last two years will allow me to succeed at the next level, and to achieve my goal, a career in law.

[CanadianWolf]

"with whom I developed relatonships."

The first sentence of the third paragraph is contradicted by the remainder of that same paragraph.

The final two paragraphs need to be revised & condensed.

"It kept me confident in the future, both without my mother and in law school." This sentence is out of place since your mother was still alive. It may confuse readers.

Overall, this is a solid effort that is sincere & convincing. Try to condense the final two paragraphs & rewrite the lead sentence of the third paragraph.

[sumtimesuwonder]

Thanks for the feedback CanadianWolf. Any ideas as to how I could condense it?