Please critique.. Need to submit soon! Forum

[hindijs1]

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[S-IV]

"Today, 3 years later, we own and manage 3 gas stations here in South Florida." I would omit "here"

In your conclusion, it makes sense to reassure the readers that you'll be a dedicated student, but you're putting a doubt into the readers' minds that they may have not previously had. While reading, I was so caught up in the story that I hadn't even considered that issue. However, I may have not been as critical as an admissions officer might be. You might articulate your dedication in a way that doesn't mention any opposing doubt.

Anyways, awesome theme obviously. lol. Good luck!

[hindijs1]

You are correct! I fixed that . Thanks for your input!

[thederangedwang]

Is this ps a joke?

[hindijs1]

Can you explain why you say this?

[thederangedwang]

Because it is really really bad, juvenile, and poorly written to be blunt.

"At the adolescent age of 16, I was what many would consider a “computer geek.” My geeky goal at the time was to save enough money to buy a new computer with a breathtaking Pentium 4 processor."

that's one hell of an introduction.


Also, count how many exclamation points you use....

pardon me if I am being excessively mean, but it is just really really not good, imho.

There are a lot of issues with it...a lot...

[hindijs1]

Thanks for being honest. Kinda sucks, thought i had something going..Maybe one more input from someone else please.

[powerscore]

Honestly, I think you have a good idea, something that is different than most personal statements I have seen. However, I would highly reconsider the way you wrote it, try and be more professional, don't use numbers such as 3, 23, write numbers out. I know that the personal statement is meant to be personal, but that doesn't mean informal. I would take a look at the TLS book on that, it is very helpful. Good luck

[hindijs1]

Thank you very much powerscore.

[SnoDog]

I really liked how your enthusiasm came across as I read your PS, but I agree with the others on things such as the exclamation mark - Maybe tone it down just a bit.

I also think you can really improve your PS by writing a stronger conclusion... Maybe something that wraps up the whole essay better, or maybe rewrite what you're stating in a less direct format instead of: "I want to go to law school because ____ and I think I can do well because ____". Try writing statements that infers that rather than answering it like a Q&A.


My $0.02, good luck, hope this helps!

[hindijs1]

Thanks snodog. Thats a good idea about the coclusion. I will fix it up tommorow and hopefully have it polished by the week end.