let’s start with some tough love... Personal Statement Forum

[paulkemp]

Hey guys,

Here's my personal statement...trying to highlight my work ethic and time management/attention to detail thinking that might look good. Worried about the transition throughout it, I can only leave it at two pages, and I'm not sure about the last portion of my body. I'd appreciate anything and wouldnt be opposed to swapping with anyone if they think I'm of caliber to help edit their statement.

The law library on the third floor of the Newport county courthouse was about 500 square feet. Inside were four rows of book cases and three wooden circular tables underneath ugly beige carpeting. The walls were painted a sickly yellow color. My attention, however, was immediately drawn to the water stain on the dropped ceiling above the doorway. There was probably a leaky pipe or water coming through the roof, and I first noticed it when I walked through the door because I’ve grown accustomed to looking for structural details. While growing up I was taught how to assess the value of a property from my Grandfather and from my Mom, both of whom had a career in the real estate industry. Before I left for college I was licensed to sell real estate as a sales associate.
I always enjoyed the amount of detail I learned to put into assessing properties, the hard work ethic I derived from my grandfather’s habits, and the pleasure he passed along to me of actively helping out the people in your community. However, I found more success with the debate team and always struggled with math, and a career in real estate required a better understanding of finance.
During my sophomore year of college my poor performances in accounting classes confirmed that I needed to switch majors. A career in real estate seemed out of the question, but the housing bubble that popped in 2008 cost my mom her job and forced me to find a way to cover my tuition and living expenses. I worked as a computer lab assistant and served at a restaurant downtown, unfortunately, it wasn’t enough so I met a licensed broker and worked for him by helping college students’ move into apartments off campus.
My school enrolls about 2,500 full time students. It’s a small school with only guaranteed available housing for freshman and sophomore students. Most of the juniors and seniors find apartments off campus in downtown Newport and many students believed I could help them. There’s a limited supply of apartments, and some of the agents and property managers were known for scamming college students on leases. I helped four students move into a house downtown my junior year and one of them, Tom, came to me at the end of the year because his property manager had taken his security deposit for damage that existed before they moved in.
I was in the law library of the local courthouse because Tom had neglected to take pictures of the property before moving in. My focus on the water stain on this ceiling had shifted to the cracked ceiling in Tom’s house that he was blamed for. I had shown the property before Tom moved in and I knew the manager was acting unethically so I was hoping to find a way to reclaim his money. I attempted to communicate with the owner, who resided in England, to avoid small claims court and poured my time into understanding any intricacies of Tenant/Landlord Law that were relevant to his case. Tom’s opportunities were slim, the lease was pretty straight forward and the manager was entitled to the deposit if Tom couldn’t prove it. The owner was completely unaware of the situation, but nonetheless behind any decision her property manager was going to make. My attention to detail literally paid off. Any property owner that spends a majority of their time outside of the country must designate a property manager for rent collection and general maintenance. The owner of Tom’s house had a property manager, but never filed the proper paperwork. She had a verbal contract which wasn’t enforceable so if Tom had decided to pursue small claims court, the owner would have to make a court appearance. Tom received his money back from the owner the following week.
I saved enough money and started taking more leadership positions after my experience as a leasing agent. I became President of the College Democrats in my last year and a vocal member of the model U.N. I also assisted at a law firm helping to mediate the foreclosure process between banks and lenders. I’m committed to pursuing a legal career by using my work ethic and an understanding of the law to genuinely help people, and I believe that I would become an asset to your institution if accepted into xxx

[horrorbusiness]

Tough love, eh?

This thing needs a lot of work. The good news is that I think you have good material to work with. Let's see..

SHIT BRB. will edit in my commentary in an hour or so

[paulkemp]

Great thanks..much appreciated.

[horrorbusiness]

The law library on the third floor of the Newport county courthouse was about 500 square feet. Inside were four rows of book cases and three wooden circular tables underneath ugly beige carpeting. The walls were painted a sickly yellow color. My attention, however, was immediately drawn to the water stain on the dropped ceiling above the doorway. There was probably a leaky pipe or water coming through the roof, and I first noticed it when I walked through the door because I’ve grown accustomed to looking for structural details. While growing up I was taught how to assess the value of a property from my Grandfather and from my Mom, both of whom had a career in the real estate industry. Before I left for college I was licensed to sell real estate as a sales associate.

there's too much detail in the beginning here. i get that you return to this topic later, and it makes more sense then, but during the initial read this paragraph comes off as a bunch of irrelevant background information. Also, the first sentence was a little unusual, but for that reason caught my interest. Then i got bored. The way you tack on the last sentence makes it seem like a random factoid. you might find a better way to integrate that into this paragraph to give it more meaning.

I always enjoyed the amount of detail I learned to put into assessing properties, the hard work ethic I derived from my grandfather’s habits, and the pleasure he passed along to me of actively helping out the people in your community. However, I found more success with the debate team and always struggled with math, and a career in real estate required a better understanding of finance.

this paragraph is pretty useless. debate team? what debate team? struggled with math in general? did you get interested in law because you weren't good enough at the math for finance? also, "your" community?

During my sophomore year of college my poor performances in accounting classes confirmed that I needed to switch majors.

so you're pretty quick to give up?

A career in real estate seemed out of the question, but the housing bubble that popped in 2008 cost my mom her job and forced me to find a way to cover my tuition and living expenses.

reconsider your usage of "but"

I worked as a computer lab assistant and served at a restaurant downtown, unfortunately, it wasn’t enough so I met a licensed broker and worked for him by helping college students’ move into apartments off campus.

two sentences instead of one.

My school enrolls about 2,500 full time students. It’s a small school with only guaranteed available housing for freshman and sophomore students. Most of the juniors and seniors find apartments off campus in downtown Newport and many students believed I could help them. There’s a limited supply of apartments, and some of the agents and property managers were known for scamming college students on leases.

you should really condense this block of uninteresting information. also, what you could be more descriptive than "scamming".

I was in the law library of the local courthouse because Tom had neglected to take pictures of the property before moving in. My focus on the water stain on this ceiling had shifted to the cracked ceiling in Tom’s house that he was blamed for

the second sentence is pretty bad. doesn't sound good at all. here's the big twist where you finally explain the relevance/importance of your intro. make it well-written and interesting.

My attention to detail literally paid off

this is one of the cheesiest, worst sentences i've read on here. please delete it and never look back.

I saved enough money and started taking more leadership positions after my experience as a leasing agent.

what does saving money have to do with anything?

I became President of the College Democrats in my last year and a vocal member of the model U.N. I also assisted at a law firm helping to mediate the foreclosure process between banks and lenders.

And?? should this mean something to us?? expanding on these topics would probably make for a better personal statement than your made-up sounding story about "tom"

[houng89]

The law library on the third floor of the Newport county courthouse was about 500 square feet. Inside were four rows of book cases and three wooden circular tables underneath ugly beige carpeting. The walls were painted a sickly yellow color. My attention, however, was immediately drawn to the water stain on the dropped ceiling above the doorway. There was probably a leaky pipe or water coming through the roof, and I first noticed it when I walked through the door because I’ve grown accustomed to looking for structural details. While growing up I was taught how to assess the value of a property from my Grandfather and from my Mom, both of whom had a career in the real estate industry. Before I left for college I was licensed to sell real estate as a sales associate.

there's too much detail in the beginning here. i get that you return to this topic later, and it makes more sense then, but during the initial read this paragraph comes off as a bunch of irrelevant background information. Also, the first sentence was a little unusual, but for that reason caught my interest. Then i got bored. The way you tack on the last sentence makes it seem like a random factoid. you might find a better way to integrate that into this paragraph to give it more meaning.

I always enjoyed the amount of detail I learned to put into assessing properties, the hard work ethic I derived from my grandfather’s habits, and the pleasure he passed along to me of actively helping out the people in your community. However, I found more success with the debate team and always struggled with math, and a career in real estate required a better understanding of finance.

this paragraph is pretty useless. debate team? what debate team? struggled with math in general? did you get interested in law because you weren't good enough at the math for finance? also, "your" community?

During my sophomore year of college my poor performances in accounting classes confirmed that I needed to switch majors.

so you're pretty quick to give up?

A career in real estate seemed out of the question, but the housing bubble that popped in 2008 cost my mom her job and forced me to find a way to cover my tuition and living expenses.

reconsider your usage of "but"

I worked as a computer lab assistant and served at a restaurant downtown, unfortunately, it wasn’t enough so I met a licensed broker and worked for him by helping college students’ move into apartments off campus.

two sentences instead of one.

My school enrolls about 2,500 full time students. It’s a small school with only guaranteed available housing for freshman and sophomore students. Most of the juniors and seniors find apartments off campus in downtown Newport and many students believed I could help them. There’s a limited supply of apartments, and some of the agents and property managers were known for scamming college students on leases.

you should really condense this block of uninteresting information. also, what you could be more descriptive than "scamming".

I was in the law library of the local courthouse because Tom had neglected to take pictures of the property before moving in. My focus on the water stain on this ceiling had shifted to the cracked ceiling in Tom’s house that he was blamed for

the second sentence is pretty bad. doesn't sound good at all. here's the big twist where you finally explain the relevance/importance of your intro. make it well-written and interesting.

My attention to detail literally paid off

this is one of the cheesiest, worst sentences i've read on here. please delete it and never look back.

I saved enough money and started taking more leadership positions after my experience as a leasing agent.

what does saving money have to do with anything?

I became President of the College Democrats in my last year and a vocal member of the model U.N. I also assisted at a law firm helping to mediate the foreclosure process between banks and lenders.

And?? should this mean something to us?? expanding on these topics would probably make for a better personal statement than your made-up sounding story about "tom"

horrorbusiness can u please revise my ps lol u are amazing, i hope you take his suggestions to heart all great advice!

[paulkemp]

Thanks horror, gonna get started on that editing.....now

[174]

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