NEED advice/opinion on my Personal Statement Forum
-
lawschoolapplicant33
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2011 5:13 pm
NEED advice/opinion on my Personal Statement
PS
Last edited by lawschoolapplicant33 on Wed Dec 07, 2011 6:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
thelawschoolproject
- Posts: 1364
- Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:58 am
Re: NEED advice/opinion on my Personal Statement
Some thoughts:
1). Your first line made me laugh. Your opening begins somewhat dramatic--especially when you mention the life changing situation in the appositive. However, when that momentous event is revealed, it's about trying out for a sports team, which is not so dramatic.
2). You say that you know that if you "were not going to be selected, it would be because of the overwhelming credentials of the other players." What about the fact that they might be better than you? When you say credentials it seems like maybe they have some kind of pedigree you don't possess. When I read it, I feel like you aren't taking responsibility for your shortcomings.
3). You have one sentence with a major tense shift. You rely upon passive language and there are several syntactical issues that warrant inspection.
4). I find the most compelling part of your piece to be your visit to Latin American countries. Is there anyway to make this the focus of your piece? It shows vulnerability and compassion for the underprivileged. It's much more law application friendly than other parts of your piece.
5). Spanish language acquisition? Playing the piano? Driving through northern Mexico? What do these things have to do with the overall theme of your application? You're trying to discuss too much. Definitely cut the piano bit. You need to focus on ONE aspect of yourself. (IMO, that should be the Latin American soccer bit, it's unique and makes you stand out.) You don't want the PS to seem unfocused, and yours does.
Hope this helps. Best of luck in your cycle.
1). Your first line made me laugh. Your opening begins somewhat dramatic--especially when you mention the life changing situation in the appositive. However, when that momentous event is revealed, it's about trying out for a sports team, which is not so dramatic.
2). You say that you know that if you "were not going to be selected, it would be because of the overwhelming credentials of the other players." What about the fact that they might be better than you? When you say credentials it seems like maybe they have some kind of pedigree you don't possess. When I read it, I feel like you aren't taking responsibility for your shortcomings.
3). You have one sentence with a major tense shift. You rely upon passive language and there are several syntactical issues that warrant inspection.
4). I find the most compelling part of your piece to be your visit to Latin American countries. Is there anyway to make this the focus of your piece? It shows vulnerability and compassion for the underprivileged. It's much more law application friendly than other parts of your piece.
5). Spanish language acquisition? Playing the piano? Driving through northern Mexico? What do these things have to do with the overall theme of your application? You're trying to discuss too much. Definitely cut the piano bit. You need to focus on ONE aspect of yourself. (IMO, that should be the Latin American soccer bit, it's unique and makes you stand out.) You don't want the PS to seem unfocused, and yours does.
Hope this helps. Best of luck in your cycle.
-
ineptimusprime
- Posts: 356
- Joined: Wed Aug 11, 2010 1:51 pm
Re: NEED advice/opinion on my Personal Statement
The part I like the most about your statement is the soccer trip to latin america.. If you narrow your focus to that, you can emphasize your commitment to helping others/public service while still including, but not focusing on being on the school's soccer team and learning a language --I still think they're worth including as long as they're supplemental and related to your main thesis of the trip to Latin America. I don't think it would suffer as much from the sort of disjointed feeling it has right now.
By using a sentence like "As a member of the ______ university soccer team I had the opportunity to travel to..." you can include your credential of being a D1 level athlete without emphasizing it.
I'd cut the piano part as it seems unrelated to the other parts and does sort of seem out of place with what you have so far.
Hope that helps.. also, I wouldn't refer to spanish as being "the" latin american language. The most highly populated latin american nation speaks portuguese.
By using a sentence like "As a member of the ______ university soccer team I had the opportunity to travel to..." you can include your credential of being a D1 level athlete without emphasizing it.
I'd cut the piano part as it seems unrelated to the other parts and does sort of seem out of place with what you have so far.
Hope that helps.. also, I wouldn't refer to spanish as being "the" latin american language. The most highly populated latin american nation speaks portuguese.
