PS Revision Forum

[kbeight]

deleted

[horrorbusiness]

If you desperately want people to look at your PS, you can bump your other thread. It's pretty annoying to create a new thread a few minutes after your first just because you hadn't had a reply yet.

[kbeight]

Sorry, was actually trying to figure out how to delete the last one when I got your reply. I made a couple revisions, so wanted to post the updated form.

[rinkrat19]

Sorry, was actually trying to figure out how to delete the last one when I got your reply. I made a couple revisions, so wanted to post the updated form.

Just edit the original post (edit button, lower right) or post at the bottom of the original thread.

[horrorbusiness]

I think if you focus on service and try to minimize the religious aspect this would be a lot better. (I could be biased though). But helping others across the world, especially given your background, could be evidence for a serious commitment to helping the "voiceless". That could be a pretty convincing statement IMO.

[kublaikahn]

Voice to the voiceless? That sounds a bit cliched. So you have a real and serious story and a demonstration of deep empathy that you spoil with the cliche. There is no need. I think a more meaningful start would be to describe you loving mom, and then show the contrast. Pivot into the empathy you developed and go deeper on one or more of your philanthropic activities. Cut out the dissonant ending about your analytical side and focus on you emotional intelligence.

Also, get rid of the rhetorical questions. Even if you did use them, you would not want to string them together like that. It comes across as someone who is about to get preachy (which you don't, fortunately, but still cut it.) I don't like how you get metaphorical with the bow down or stand up structure. Just say, My experience encouraged me to reach out to people living in the vacuum created by the absence of people that care. (I guess that is a metaphor too, oops.) Just say directly that you are troubled by people living without love and you act upon that empathy.

[CanadianWolf]

The first six paragraphs are captivating, but the last two are garbage.

[kbeight]

Ok, I downed the Bible-beltiness and revamped the conclusion. Kublai, I am not completely sold on removing the series of questions and metaphor in the middle, it seems to wash it out too much when I try. What do the rest of you think about this? Although maybe that is simply a reflection of my writing skill. I think it is a bit more cohesive, anyhow. Thanks so much to everyone who has taken the time to respond!

[kbeight]

bumped for another revision- feedback is appreciated thanks guys!

[kbeight]

Bumped for revision! Kablai, you'll be happy to note I nixed the questions. Feedback is appreciated everyone!

[otomihsoy]

I think your story is interesting. I am a PS novice so I will refrain from any major comments....just one thing kinda stuck out to me. Saying that you did not have a birth mother rubbed me the wrong way. Obviously, you had a birth mother, otherwise how would you have been born? Maybe re-phrase it to say that your mother was no longer here or something like that. Just my two cents.

[kbeight]

lol, did not even think about that- good point! thanks!

[Chief Littlebighead]

Take another look at the language: "passivity precluded his protectiveness." I'm sure you notice the repetition of the p sounds. As it is written, it sounds pseudo-academic and the emotional impact of your message is lost in the words. You could try "passivity overshadowed his protectiveness". Or, "his passive nature overcame his protectiveness". Something like that.

[kbeight]

Good point, thanks! I think I've read it over so many times I don't even notice those things anymore haha...