Please critique my PS--I have a Meryl Streep reference... Forum

[itsaclassic]

Deleted.


Thanks to all those who contributed. Revise. Revise. Revise.

[shmoo597]

For the love of god, don't make your longest paragraph about something you did in FIFTH GRADE.

[freestallion]

I agree, you're not a bad writer - the writing is actually decent - but the entire PS focuses on accomplishments in elementary school. Frankly, it sounds very immature. I would expect more maturity of someone applying to law school. Don't you have any more recent accomplishments?

[CanadianWolf]

This personal statement is well structured, interesting & revealing.

Nevertheless there are several minor errors including, but not limited to: "fifteen discerning eyes", "reverberate the emotional core", "and accepting my Oscar", "which my homemade movies can surely attest to.", "For,", "sought to choose", "most; take", "incredibly shy", "that stricken you", "to never cower", "I dived", "subjects which I had", "beneath the bureaucratic web", "While I still have the", "conquering the fears", "question the skills", as well as the final two sentences which need to be redone.

Although engaging & effective, the number of oversights is annoying.

[itsaclassic]

Thank you Shmoo, Freestallion, and CanadianWolf for your comments so far. I realize that I have a body paragraph dedicated entirely to an experience in the fifth grade, but that is not the whole of my essay. I do write about an experience in college, though I certainly can expand on that.

I would love more comments. Thank you to all who take time to read it.

[No13baby]

To add to what others have said, the transition from talking about fifth grade to "with this mindset I entered college" is really jarring - it makes it sound like you didn't grow or change at all between age ten and age eighteen. Condense the fifth grade story into like two sentences, add another brief example from high school or something, and spend at least half your essay talking about something you've done since voting age.

[CanadianWolf]

"fifteen pairs of discerning eyes", "to accept my Oscar", "to which my homemade movies can attest.", "For" (delete the comma), substitute "pursued" (DELETE "sought to choose"), "most--take" (semi-colon doesn't fit), CHANGE "an incredibly shy" to "a shy", "I dove" (not "I dived"), CHANGE "that stricken you" to "that struck me", "I learned never to cower", "subjects about which", "caught in a bureaucratic web" (NOT "beneath"), "Occasionally I find myself fantasizing about" (DELETE: " While I still have the occasional theatrical moment", "conquering fears" (DELETE "the"), "question skills that".
Combine the final two sentences: "To me, law school is a daunting stage that will require continued development to achieve my dreams."

P.S. These changes are suggestions that I hope you find helpful.

P.P.S. Unlike the other posters, I like the paragraph about your experience in grade school; it is a revealing event during a formative stage of your life.

[itsaclassic]

Thank you so much Canadianwolf! I agreed with all of your grammatical suggestions.

Additional comments will be much appreciated

[beta]

i agree with the other posters who said that you should focus on more recent accomplishments. the fact that an formative experience happened to you in 5th grade is fine--but it should only take up a line or two. i think you should think more about what your experiences/accomplishments in college and after. you talk about your time with the academic senate committee--SHOW the reader how you addressed the issues of the student body and what changes you made with the organization etc.

imho, the writing is decent--but i think it will come off as immature if you focus so much on elementary school and grade school.

[CanadianWolf]

I wonder if the difference in opinion is due to an age difference among posters. Most seem concerned about the appearance of maturity simply because you discuss an important event that occurred at a young age. My focus is on how you intepret that experience, not on your age at the time. Nothing in your essay, as written, suggests a lack of maturity in my view.

[caminante]

"I dove" (not "I dived")

"dived" is actually the correct past-tense of dive. "Dove" is commonly used in speech, but "dived" is preferred in formal writing.

This is what I've always learned in school and was backed up by a quick google search.

http://www.cjr.org/language_corner/our_tense_past.php

[CanadianWolf]

"Dove" is correct as is "dived", but while elitists may prefer "dived" when writing, "dove" is preferred by readers.

[caminante]

Haha, well I actually think they both sound weird. Still, I'd rather err on the side of caution.

Also, I really like being called an elitist

My 9th grade English teacher drilled so many rules into my head that I still hear her lectures when people stray from what she considered to be proper.