Wonderful English Majors and others please critique PS. Forum

[Angrygeopolitically]

J

[Angrygeopolitically]

Shameless bump..

[MC Southstar]

All I learned was that you are Chinese or you're really into Chinese culture. And you have a lot of concerns about nebulous things.

[Angrygeopolitically]

Wait, I am not Chinese. lol oops
Ok, I need to get more specific...

[MC Southstar]

Keep in mind that one person's opinion doesn't mean that much, but this is just mine. I think, given the constraints on words, you are spending too much of your essay describing things which have nothing to do with you and are purely narrative. Narrative can be engaging, but it feels like you are forcing the narrative to reflect certain values, experiences, or goals in a way that makes it less difficult to understand than if you just stated those things in a more direct manner. Getting more detailed about yourself helps build a better picture. I got the sense that you saw the future as a mystery or a challenge, and that you wanted to sell persistence or courage. However, I did not feel like you ever fully colored in the picture of who you are.

Is this Hua Shan in Shaanxi because if so, I've been there and there was one area that was steep as shit and I was in the middle of a cloud and it was pretty sick.

[Angrygeopolitically]

Yes Hua Shan.
I think you are right. I need to be a little clearer and more direct. Writing about oneself sucks.