Rewrote PS. Feedback needed Forum

[Woobinator11]

Down for revision, thanks to all for feedback.

[thederangedwang]

first impressions...i really like it, the writing is solid and concise. going to lunch now so will edit my response later with more comments

[Woobinator11]

first impressions...i really like it, the writing is solid and concise. going to lunch now so will edit my response later with more comments

looking forward to it.

[sparty99]

Horrible run-on sentence:

"Being a Palestinian Christian, an ever shrinking minority, originally from the northern Israeli city of Nazareth, my family was in great dismay when I decided to live in the West Bank city of Ramallah"

Flowery/BS:

"It is in this spirit of transcending boundaries to build connectivity that I aspire to continue in this trajectory." How do you build connectivity?

[sparty99]

I have lived these tensions and myself been heavily stereotyped; despite this, I continue to search for ways to break them down.

- offers no proof on how you were stereotyped. Additionally, the above sentence is poorly written. "...myself been heavily stereotyped."

"busty blondes" - immature and sexist term.

"sound and ethical economic flows" - sounds too academic. "flows"

"As an American, I was privileged to have the mobility necessary to transcend those borders and freely travel both to and from the region and also within it" - Get rid of "within it."

"much one-on-one time." Speak clearly. Much doesn't belong and one-on-one time is colloquial language. It is ill-advised to use colloquial language in business/legal documentation.

[Gizmo]

Being a low-income Palestinian teenager who has spent his whole life in refugee camps and has never seen an ocean, he took it upon himself to educate me, and proceeded to tell me everything he knew about beaches, lifeguarding and busty blondes.

It's grammatically unclear if the first clause is referring to you or your friend.

Also, you use this sentence construction a lot (Being ____).

[Revolver066]

Third paragraph, 'After graduating, I decided that is was time for me"

-Should be "it" instead of "is"

[Woobinator11]

down for editing

[kublaikahn]

Vague terms are vague. Obvious right?

As an Arab-American, and also a Palestinian-Christian, I have been confronted with many stereotypes growing up. I grew accustomed to preconceived notions about my values, beliefs, and allegiances. (for example, but use your own words that are more descriptive than "confronted stereotypes") Assimilating into my social environment I struggled to assimilate into the American mainstream, while at the same time trying to embraceing my hyphenated identity rich Palestinian religious and cultural heritage, which brought with it a culturally rich and diverse background, was a constant challenge [you know this is a poorly constructed passive sentence, who is the subject?]. I struggled to make sense of it all reconcile my American life with my parents rich traditions, but more so to help others make sense of it importantly, to impart upon others that I could loyally share their values and hold diverse values as well (help me out here)]. [new paragraph] Growing up in a politically-charged family, I was exposed to varying perspectives of the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. I often heard about the separation wall dividing people from each other, and daily checkpoints limiting the transportation of goods.